Bartender Brown and the Case of the Missing Case
Police
officers across America were asking the same question: Why did everyone who
broke the law at the University of Illinois get caught?
The U of I looked like any other college its size. It had a quad, several apartment complexes, a few bars, and creepy homeless guys who hung out on every corner. It had bros, sluts, muggers, and nerdy Asians. And it had a certain dilapidated house in a parking lot behind Armory Avenue.
In the house lived U of I's secret weapon against lawbreakers: 21-year-old Bartender Brown. Whenever a police report came through the University email or showed up in the paper, Bartender Brown solved the case. He went immediately to the Chief of University Police with his knowledge and the criminals were put to justice.
Bartender Brown never let a word slip about the help he gave the police. He didn't want other students his age to think he was a nark. But there was nothing he could do about his nickname. Only the police department and lame teachers called him by his real name, Larry. Everyone else called him Bartender.
A bartender is a person who knows every drink from A-Z and can make one upon request- just like Bartender's head. He had drunk more drinks than anyone at the University, and never forgot what was in them.
Bartender helped the police solve mysteries throughout the school year with his drinking understanding. But since the cheap bastards didn't pay him anything, he helped students too "ashamed" to go to police as well. Everyday after his hangover wore off he opened his own detective agency in his room. He even hung a sign outside his door.
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His first customer Wednesday afternoon was Scoop McDrinkis. Scoop was 18. He could neither buy booze nor go to a bar. But with the help of his older sister, Scoop threw some of the biggest parties on campus.
When he came to see Bartender, Scoop was drinking a can of Miller Lite. Right away, Bartender knew something was wrong. Scoop usually drank Budweiser.
"You know the old apartments on John and Locust Street?" asked Scoop.
Bartender knew them. He used to live in one years ago. They were the main apartments where Scoop and his sister threw parties. The apartments constantly smelled of beer and music was playing at all hours of the day.
"Yeah, those apartments are awesome," said Bartender. "One time I was so drunk there I met this girl who was all like 'hey you're that Bartending guy' and I was like 'yeah, wanna make out?' and we totally did!'"
"Yesterday, I had a party there and three people died," said Scoop.
"You want me to investigate the murders?" asked Bartender.
"No! That was all alcohol poisoning. I was just trying to tell you how awesome the party was," said Scoop. "At the party I had bought 8 cases of beer in case the kegs ran out. But when I went to go get them, they all started walking away!"
Bartender thought for a second. "Cases of beer can't walk! Are you sure you weren't super drunk?"
"No, I didn't start drinking until later! I know what I saw," Scoop said. "The cases walked away, and they also talked to me!"
"Just keep calm," Bartender thought to himself. "I was once 18 years old myself."
To Scoop he said, "Would you mind starting at the beginning, please?"
"Next week is my 19th birthday," said Scoop. "I figured that the best way to celebrate would be to have a big party before then."
"You know, being 19 is pretty pointless," said Bartender.
Scoop frowned. "But I get to go to bars! Woo!"
"But it's no big..." Bartender caught himself. "Just go on."
"Anyways, my sister drove to the liquor store and reserved the kegs two days ago," said Scoop. "Then we realized that a lot of people were coming, so an hour before the party we went and bought the eight cases. When people started showing up right before I tapped the first keg, I went to check on the cases."
"And then they walked away?"
"Well first they talked to me," said Scoop. "They said they were lonely and needed some more case friends. They told me to go buy more."
"But you couldn't since you're not 21?" Bartender guessed.
"How did you know?" said Scoop. "Because I couldn't get more, the cases got mad and just walked out my door and off my balcony."
"Were you alone in your room?" inquired Bartender.
Scoop shook his head. "As I ran out to try to stop the cases, I saw a big kid making out with some girl on my bed. I think it was Mugs Meany."
"Mugs!" exclaimed Bartender. "I might have known he was involved in this."
Mugs Meany was the leader of Gamma Delta Zeta, a fraternity of popped collar-wearing bros. Bartender was often called upon to stop their dishonest parties and to help girls escape from the frat's creepers.
Only last week he had put a halt to the GDZ's "Booze Hos and Honest Joes Mega Party". Mugs was selling tickets to this party all over campus, but when the day came, he only let girls with low standards in.
"Can you get my cases back?" asked Scoop. "I'll have to pay you later though. I didn't make any money after my party died last night."
"I guess I can try. But you'll need to pay me double," said Bartender.
He put on some pants, and the two boys set off for the Gamma Delta Zeta house.
"Mugs must know you saw him," said Bartender. "He knew you'd go see me. He's probably waiting with an alibi."
Bartender was right. Mugs was outside his frat house picking up empty bottles of Axe Body Spray and seeing if he could get some more use out of one. When he saw the alcoholic detective, he stood up quickly.
"Scram, brah, or your face will need help," snarled Mugs.
Bartender was used to Mugs' warm welcomes. He nodded and went inside the house with Scoop. Mugs followed them.
"Unless you're coming to our sweet BBQ party later, brah, you're breaking and entering," said Mugs. "You need to leave here faster than the awesome Jack Johnson at a stellar Nickelback concert."
Bartender looked around the front room of the frat house. He saw boxes of unused condoms, some fishing poles, and a boom box. Then he saw 8 empty cases of beer.
"Where'd you get those?" Bartender asked.
"Although it's none of your beeswax, I bought them for my bros after that lame party your friend Scoop had last night," said Mugs.
"Maybe it was so lame because you stole those cases from them!" Scoop said.
"What's with you crazy cats?" asked Mug. "I had come straight from the library to Scoop's. As soon as I got to the party I got wasted off of whatever shit you had in your kegs and met some hottie, and we made out. Then little baby Scoop started crying about some walking cases so I left."
"G-gosh, Mugs," stammered Scoop. "I thought the worst of you. I'm sorry."
"Don't be," Bartender said. "Those cases are definitely yours."
WHAT MADE BARTENDER SO CERTAIN?
(See below for the solution)
SOLUTION:
Scoop said he checked on his cases before he tapped the kegs. But Mugs said he got wasted off the keg beer. Mugs couldn't have been drunk beforehand because he was at the library. Bartender deduced that Mugs and his frat brothers used the fishing pole line to make it look like the kegs were walking while Mugs made it seem like they were talking with the boom box. There would be no other reason why anyone would own a boom box today.
Of course, Bartender didn't tell Scoop this because Scoop didn't invite Bartender to this party. It was a total dick move so Bartender just took Scoop's money and called the cops to inform them about the three dead people Scoop was hiding. Scoop's now in jail for not reporting the deaths and being an idiot who thought beer cases could walk and talk.
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