How to Eat Right if You're Planning on Drinking for 18 Hours Straight

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I've never been one of those guys who can while away a casual hour or two polishing off a thirty-rack of Keystone, nor am I the guy who can kill a fifth of Smirnoff as a pregame and live to tell the tale.

I do pride myself, however, on my ability to drink. And drink. And drink. And drink. From sunup to sundown and back to sunup again, I can drink 'till the cows come home, and then drink with the cows. I'm not trying to toot my own horn here - not yet, anyway - but sit down in that chair right there and let me show you how it's done (Note to Charlie Daniels: Please don't sue us, we don't have any money).

My key to drunken longevity is in what I put into my body besides alcohol. Sure, you're supposed to drink plenty of water - if you're a pussy - but water sobers you up, which in turn makes you lame and sleepy. Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking the liquid of life over here. In fact, there are few things I love more than a glass of high-quality H₂0, but it's not the cure for your illness.

What you're looking for is foods that are high in carbohydrates, but don't excessively fill you. Personally, I like bagels with cream cheese. The cream cheese helps to coat your throat and stomach, making it easier to knock back that second tray of Geovanti's cherry bombs, and a bagel will go a long way towards soaking up all that excess liquid in your stomach. The best part is, you can do this two or three times throughout the course of the day without ruining your appetite - high-carb snacking will keep your buzz steady without sobering you up.

When dinnertime rolls around, if you're looking for something with a little more sustenance, try a good old-fashioned sub. Avoid places like Fat Sandwich, whose exuberantly greasy goodies taste great going down, but not so much coming back up.   Stick to places like Jimmy John's, which, like the bagels and cream cheese will fill you, but not overfill you.

As for drinking with your meal, feel free to knock back a beer or two if you feel the need (which you most certainly will), but I've discovered that orange juice is particularly good at rejuvenating your booze-blasted body for round two, or round three for that matter.  Personally, I'm a huge advocate of Simply Orange® Pineapple Orange Juice because, well, it's fucking delicious.

Another thought worth pointing out: Eggs are good for you, but they can torture you if you eat them at the wrong time. Rather than start the morning with a hearty breakfast of eggs, toast, and bacon, I prefer to lay a little groundwork in my belly before I start drinking to excess - a bowl of cereal works wonders. Save the big diner-style breakfast for a few hours later, when you start getting hungry around lunchtime. Too much too early can prematurely put a damper on your day of drunkenness.

When all is said and done, you'll be drunk from 6 a.m. till midnight at the least. Eat early, eat often, and eat wisely, and you'll be able to sustain that glorious buzz well after all of your retard friends pass out from malnutrition and dehydration.

 

 

 

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