The Blacksheep Online | How to Survive the Holidays

How to Survive the Holidays

December 10, 2009 - 10:45 am | Posted by: Irene

Attics At the unripe age of eleven, I asked my uncle how he was able to drink beer. I had tasted it at some point prior and remember having to practically force myself to swallow it. That's what she said. My uncle then grabbed his can of PBR off the counter, pressed the can to his lips, dumped some of the mysterious liquid down his throat which apparently had some magical quality, otherwise why would people drink something that tasted like horses' piss (not that I have ever drank equine urine), and then looked me straight in the eyes and told me something I will never forget.

"I drink it because it's the only way I get through the holidays." At the time, this didn't make any sense to me. Why couldn't Uncle A.J. just drink sparkling cider or hot chocolate? I drank those superior beverages and seemed to get through the holidays just fine. As the years passed, Christmas break (can I even call it Christmas break anymore? Or do I have to say winter break?), lost some of its magical ambiance; calling my bed a sleeping bag stuffed under the dining room table and waiting approximately an hour and fifteen minutes to use the only bathroom with a shower somehow lost its appeal. Although the holidays are supposed to be about family and togetherness, all I can think about is my sore neck and back and lack of cleanliness that I'll endure over the weeks to come. In addition, it's a guarantee that someone will show up with stomach flu virus, not only extending the bathroom queue to almost two hours, but also ensuring the fact that in due time, I will be bent over the toilet saying hello again to the Christmas dinner ham. I've come to find out that this holiday experience is somewhat universal, and through the years I have finally understood what my uncle meant that day when he said beer was the only thing getting him through the holidays.

So far in my short time here I have devised other tricks, aside from arming myself with hand sanitizer, anti-viral masks, and my own puke-bucket, that keep me from bashing my head through a wall only after pulling out every hair on my head, strand by strand. The first thing I do when I arrive at the hosting relative's house is seek out a safe place. Call me Harry Potter, but I don't even care if it's a cupboard under the stairs with a bunch of insects gallivanting about - personal time is crucial in keeping your sanity. Clark Griswold had it right when he says, "Well I'm gonna park the cars, check the luggage, and uh, I'll be outside for the season." More people employ this tactic than you think. One year, in the midst of dinner, I noticed the absence of my mother from the table. Come to find out, she has retreated to our van parked in the driveway with a tin of Christmas cookies.

So you've searched the house and there is no place to escape! This used to be qualified as a code red situation until the advancement of electronic devices. As a back up, always have an iPod or a laptop on you at all times; it would be unsafe walking around during times like these without one of them. Aunt Marge and Uncle Pat start arguing about Bush vs. Obama, which turns into, "Fox News has brainwashed you, you closed-minded piece of white-trash!" The other responds, "Oh, really? At least I take showers more than once a week! Pushing to change Halloween parties to Harvest parties?! The Christmas tree is now a winter tree?! What sort of over-complaining nut-job are you?" Just pop in your ear buds and ahh, peace once again. I recently discovered that the majority of my "friend suggestions" on Facebook were dogs. Slightly offended at the time, I now embrace it. I would much rather be sending pokes or absorbed in a pop-up chat with Bailey the Beagle than listen to the garbage arguments between my aunts and uncles. Crisis averted.

Now it's time to open gifts. Socks. Again. Just show them pearly whites and say thank you. On to the next gift. Vibrating mascara. Who knew there would ever be a blurred line between beauty products and sex toys? Plaster on that smile and say thanks. It's the best thing you can do in all situations. Yea, we're all tired of hearing how our sister has really "blossomed" into a beautiful and successful young lady while all we get is, "My! You've sure...eh...changed. Looks like State has been feeding you well!" And then a forced, "Looking good..." through a fake smile. How much I'd like to say, "My Aunt Brenda! You've almost got a full beard growin'! I know a really good wax guy. Here's his card!" But no, I have to just smile. We all have to just smile and power through.

I learned this all from my mom. I asked her the best strategy to survive the holiday season and her response was, "Don't even go. Just lose your keys." She once got a book titled How to Get Along With People or something along those lines for Christmas. My only hopes are that one day she bequeaths that book to me. But in the mean time, I will endure the holidays like I've been doing, and my Christmas gift to you is sharing my secrets of survival. And of course, all of this must be done with a beer in hand. It's the only way to get through the holidays, you know.