The Blacksheep Online | Inside the Mind of the Guy Inside Sparty

Inside the Mind of the Guy Inside Sparty

January 20, 2010 - 6:20 pm | Posted by: Brendan

Inside Sparty January 23, 2010. 8 minutes before tip-off against Minnesota.

11:52AM: Okay, okay, do I have everything? T-shirt to throw into the crowd? Check. Comically oversized MSU flag? No way I could forget that. Pee bottle? Yup. Gotta have my pee bottle.

11:57AM: Oh crap, here comes Kailey. She’s definitely the hottest cheerleader on the squad. Nice, firm butt. Don’t blow this one, man.

11:57:30AM: Wow, I forgot how much it sucks to get a boner in this thing.

11:57:35AM: I probably shouldn’t have said that out loud.

11:59AM: You gotta recover from that one. It’s fine. There will be other chances with Kailey. Dammit, here comes a kid, what the hell does he want?

11:59:30AM: Thanks for sneezing through my eye hole, you little turd. Doesn’t he know that this thing is an incubator for disease?

12:00PM: WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! TIP-OFF TIME! GO SPARTANS! KILL THOSE GOPHER BITCHES! KILL! KILL! KILL!

12:04PM: Lay-in by Roe! God, I love that man. Well, not like, love-love. It’s a platonic thing, really. I think. Maybe. What if I am gay? What if he’s gay? Would we be a good couple? I bet he has soft hands. I wonder if he’d let me call him Delvie?

12:06PM: The nerve of Coach Tiffany, coming over here to tell me to do my job and hype up the crowd. Couldn’t he tell that I was fantasizing…er…I mean thinking, YEAH THINKING, About Delvie? Fine, I’ll go pump up some freshmen.

12:09PM: Stupid freshmen, don’t they know they’re stupid freshmen? No respect, I tell ya’. I’m going down the line trying to amp them up when some moron tries to pull off my head. Don’t they know how bad it smells in here? If I could see out of this thing I’d figure out which one it was and Spartan Spirit punch them in their nineteen-year-old face.

12:14PM: Official’s time out. Time to shine, baby.

12:17PM: Yeah, I was just on national TV again. My parents are going to be so proud of me, they definitely saw me rocking out to “Back In Black.”

12:18PM: Oh, what the fuck? It’s on Big Ten Network?

12:22PM: Well, it’s about time that I go fake fight Goldy Gopher. This should go well, I know Jeff, he’s a good guy. Remember when we got to bunk together at Mas-Con ’08? That was a good time. Those long nights talking really got me through a tough time in my life.

12:24PM: Wow, Jeff’s changed, he wouldn’t put up with the fake fight routine for fifteen seconds and he made me look like a total jerk. Maybe he lied when he said he requested me as a bunk buddy for Mas-Con ’09.

12:28PM: Delvie with a rockin’ dunk! And he high-fived me under the hoop too! I’m never going to wash this hand again! How do you like me now Kailey, you tease?

12:31PM: Oh man, only two minutes until the half, I can’t wait. Gonna get some fluids in me—some water, some Gatorade, some scotch—gotta keep a healthy balance for the second half.

12:32PM: I hope Delvie scores again before the half. If he does, I’m gonna bust out a totally awesome dance and Kailey is going to get super jealous.

12:35PM: 6 seconds left! Delvie shoots! Oh, he missed! Dammit! Whatever, I’m doing my dance anyway. Hey Kailey, how you like these pelvic thrusts, huh? They good? They turnin’ you on? Don’t you look away in disgust! Whatever, I have some Dewar’s to get to before the second half anyway…