The Blacksheep Online

It Happens

February 5, 2010 - 5:00 pm | Posted by: Frank

Ithappens

It's a Thursday night and you don't have class on Friday, so you're obviously drinking at a party, a lot. You are mid-conversation with a potential hook-up when it happens-a fart sneaks out. Luckily, your new lady friend didn't notice, but you can feel the urge to crap coming on quick. This party is pretty sweet and this girl seems DTF, but if you walk all of the way home to take a dump she might not still be around when you get back. Your only option is to take a power shit.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the power shit, let me break down the execution into 8 simple steps for you:

Step 1: Play it Cool. Try not to make it obvious that you are clenching your butt cheeks because, in a moment's notice a cavalcade of crap is about to come plaster the back of your pants. Continue your conversation with this potential slam piece.

Step 2: Locate a Bathroom. Casually look around the party to try and find a bathroom, preferably one that is somewhat secluded. If the apartment or house has multiple floors, wander around for a while and try not to steal anything. The fewer people who see you go into the bathroom, the better.

Step 3: Wait. If you wait as long as possible to go to the bathroom, you will have to poop even worse when you get there, thus making it come out faster.

Step 4: Poop (Fast). Get to the bathroom and drop trou as quickly as possible. Sit down and give one big, hard, throbbing push. If you have timed this correctly, you should get all of the dookie out right away.

Step 5: Find an Air Freshener. Rummage through the drawers and cabinets to find Febreze or some sort of air freshener then start spraying it, because let's face it, you like to think that your shit don't stink, but it does.

Step 6: Wipe. Clean your backside, but keep in mind that you are in a hurry. There is no time to fold the paper before the wipe nor is there time to look at it after each wipe. Use the time saved doing that to wash your hands, there's probably poop on them somewhere.

Step 7: Sneak Out. Shadily leave the bathroom trying not to be noticed. Keep your head down and look at the ground like you lost something. If anyone calls you out, ask them to help you search for your cell phone before you conveniently find it in "the pocket I never put it in. Move quickly in order to get some distance in between yourself and the bathroom as quickly as possible.

Step 8: Blame Someone. Walk up to a friend of yours and say something along the lines of, "Dude, I just walked in the bathroom to piss, and it reeked like Satan's asshole. I think John just took a dump." This step is vital for two reasons. First, it reduces your likelihood of being the caught culprit because you are the person who is complaining about it. You are a witness, that's all. Second, it will totally cockblock John as word spreads throughout the party that he has just taken a ten-alarm-chili crap.

Let's face it, everybody poops and sometimes it sneaks up on you at the most unfortunate times. Simply follow these quick and easy steps, and you too can master the art of the power shit.