The Blacksheep Online | Leprechaun on the Loose

Leprechaun on the Loose

March 5, 2010 - 5:00 pm | Posted by: Danyel

ATTENTION ALL CPD OFFICERS

BRIEFING: On March 3^rd, 2010 at approximately 2:45 a.m., the department received word that a report had been filed by one S.P. Goldstein (alias, The St. Patrick's Day Leprechaun) in regards to an identity crime and assault committed against him at 2 a.m. He claimed his attacker came at him from behind while he was urinating in the alley between The Clybourne and Hometown Pantry near the corner of Sixth and Green. The assailant allegedly struck Goldstein in the back of the skull with a large bottle, proceeded to beat him mercilessly, defecated on him and stole his wallet. All officers are officially on this case and are to be on the lookout for the possibly armed suspect. Please look over his attached file and use extreme caution while approaching as he has been known to "trick" officers in the past.

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CPD SUSPECT FILE

SUSPECT: Shamus Guinessberg, Male

DOB: 5/1/1996

KNOWN ALIASES: Rumpelstiltskin, The Unofficial Leprechaun, Quinn Myers.

CURRENTLY WANTED FOR: Assault, Identity Theft, Resisting Arrest.

PAST OFFENSES: Shoe theft ($1,000+), Providing alcohol to minors, Vandalism, Obstruction of justice, Public Urination, Driving a Razor scooter under the influence of alcohol, Open container in public, Possession of narcotics, Possession of narcotics with intent to sell, Prostitution, Cock fighting, Promotion of binge drinking by convincing the Irish Illini to host Barscramble.

EVIDENCE: Collected stool from scene of the crime, shoe horn found within feet of victim, semen matching suspect's DNA found behind a dumpster near the scene of the crime, three strands of orange pubic hair found on victim.

LAST KNOWN RESIDENCE: The basement of C.O. Daniel's. (Since the closing of aforementioned bar, suspect has been spotted frequenting Joe's Pipe Shop, the walkway between Green and Healey and camping near Boneyard Creek).

PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION: 2-foot 7-inch tall male, shoulder-length orange hair (sometimes pulled into ponytail or braided), scraggly orange beard (also sometimes braided), prominent nose and chin, old wrinkled face, typically carrying stolen bottle of Jameson whiskey and a sack of gold coins.

NOTABLE CHARACTERISTICS: Scar above left eye and near temple from a broken bottle, "I love Mother" tattoo on right breast, Irish family coat of arms tattoo on left side, several missing teeth, slight limp, typically speaks with a slur.

LAST SEEN WEARING: Tattered green overcoat with seven rows of buttons with seven mismatched buttons in each row, green ass-less pants, black stockings, black pointed shoes with gold buckles, green pointed hat (suspect is sometimes known to stand upside down on hat and spin when provoked or excited).

KNOWN COHORTS: The Trix Rabbit, The Woodland Christmas Critters, Cochrane, all Champaign rats, Groundskeeper Willie, The Evil Brain, The Black Sheep, Gargamel, most Urbana residents, The Irish Illini, The Crips.

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UPDATE: In the past four hours, Guinessberg has wreaked havoc on campus, destroying several Campus Town establishments, raiding Hometown Pantry and Kam's and sexually molesting several females on the Quad. We currently have several undercover officers on his trail and MUST CATCH HIM BEFORE UNOFFICIAL. Repeat, it is imperative Guinessberg be captured before March 5^th when he will do real damage. If spotted, offer the suspect a bottle of whiskey or cup of green keg beer, do not provoke him or allow him to fool you. He's also been using his bottle and pointed hat and shoes as weapons. Safe distance is encouraged. God speed.