The Blacksheep Online | Our New Fantasy Food Joint

Our New Fantasy Food Joint

February 8, 2010 - 3:46 pm | Posted by: Staff

Restaurant It's nearing 1:45 a.m. and you're sipping down the last of your drink at Rick's. Your double-vodka Red Bull has been pretty satisfying but that's not hindering your late night food craving...or need for more intoxicated entertainment. Instead of heading to Menna's like most hungry drunks out there, brave the cold back to Grand River and let loose at a new hot spot. Girls, bust in the door belting our your favorite Ke$ha line because anything goes at this joint. Strut your stuff up to the door and you're greeted by Gerard Butler, holding a tray of shots to choose from. Don't worry boys, there's plenty of fun for you in store.

Once you arrive, you can head to whichever counter you choose to order from. For the girls who aren't aware Halloween is over and are still wearing short dresses that look sized for their 10-year-old sisters, heat lamps are hanging to comfort you from the cold. And for the guys who just intensely fist-pumped all night, breezy fans await you in your line. The Bachelor candidates are behind the counter on the left and the Victoria's Secret angels (in full costume, obvi) are on the right, so take your pick. You're not restricted on what you can order either...you want a dub? Order a CT. You want a burrito because you wished Chipotle was open late-night? It's about time they stayed open past 10 p.m. But this place has a plethora of food to choose from and the best part is that it's ready in five minutes or less. And instead of having a wimpy 2-inch piece of paper (a.k.a your receipt) that's impossible to hang on to in your altered state, you receive a bowl that lights up when your order is ready. In the meantime, head to the all-you-can-eat candy buffet and fill that bowl to the brim! Faves from your elementary school lunch like Gushers and Fruit Rolls-Ups are stashed in the bins along with Sour Patch Kids and Reese's Pieces.

Indulging in your sweets and gripping the edges as if it were a Sharkbowl, you search for a table in the dim atmosphere. Not really an issue since there's plenty to choose from and they're not annoying, crumb-infested booths you have to squeeze into. Each table turns and every chair swivels, ensuring that you can steal a fry or two and mooch off the drunk sorostitute behind you. You slam into your seat and are drawn in by the glowing light from the 17" plasma in front of you. A menu pops up and you must select whether you're taken or not, so anyone can get your seven digits without feeling awkward if your boyfriend is standing next to you. Whoops. And for the peeps that may not want to take it back to their place because it's just too far or want to avoid the demeaning walk of shame at 9 a.m., conveniently located in the back is a "Quickie Room." Yep, that's right. A comfy, lounge space dedicated to those who simply can't keep it in their pants.

But if you're not DTF, hang around at the table and grab a controller to begin a game of drunk driving...Mario Kart for the severely intoxicated. For those of you who haven't yet played this classic college dorm room game, you must start and finish a beer while simultaneously driving through a course. And since this place is a dream come true, the beer required for this feat is chilling in a bucket on your table. With all this liquid running through your body, feeling like some freshman who's crossing their legs screaming that they just can't "break the seal" yet, you head to the bathroom. But you're shocked when there's no line wrapped around the corner and girls asking, "Is someone in there?" in their high-pitched inebriated voice. There's designated bathrooms for guys and gals...finally, not some nasty unisex box with leftovers from those who missed the target. Each bathroom has huge screens playing The Hangover and boasts ten stalls to alleviate any confusion and lines. When girls exit, they get a spritz of perfume and a stick of gum to obnoxiously chomp on while the guys get a spray of Axe (ew, just kidding, who actually wears that stuff?) and a dollop of gel to look uber-suave for the ladies that await them.

If there weren't any single Spartans that caught your eye during your visit, feel free to grab a marker and leave your name, number, and a message or even a quick doodle on the dry-erase wall outside the bathroom. Or maybe you hit it off (or just hit it in the back) with someone and you wanna remember what they looked like in the morning because your drunk goggles were on. Head to the photobooth to document your finding so you can later stalk them on FB.

Leaving your trash behind at your table, you head towards the door where a complimentary Ferrari awaits you outside to whisk you home. No need to cram into a cab or bite the ice when this car has got you covered. But before you call it a night, you browse through an array of booze and select a fifth of your choice, which you can have for just $1. Now head home and rest up so you can be ready for what round two has in store for tomorrow.