St. Patrick's Day: Not For Deadbeat Irishmen Anymore

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When St. Patrick's Day rolls around, everyone seems to forget that Irish people were once seen and treated as the scum of society. Just a few short decades ago, there were signs and posters all over the city and on every building saying awful things like, "Irish need not apply,"  "We have potatoes and you don't," and the all too common, "Fuck the leprechauns."

Irish people were the butt of every joke and the poor people couldn't even step into a bar without all of the judging people passing their judgments.

Now that everyone has finally come to their senses, St. Patrick's Day has come to be one of the most highly anticipated holidays of the year. For some odd reason we still have class scheduled on this day, but that rarely stops anyone from celebrating.

Although St. Patrick's Day is geared toward celebrating Irish culture, the majority of people (Irish or not) take advantage of this special day to get all kinds of hammered drunk.

There's something especially fantastic about this saint's day, but it seems near impossible to pinpoint a single factor for its wild success. That is why I am taking this opportunity to honor this unique holiday for all of its great contributions to society.

Firstly, who could have predicted how many make out sessions would be brought about by a simple T-shirt or button bearing the words, "Kiss Me, I'm Irish." Nerds and uggos who lack the art of mack can finally get a little action by simply faking their heritage for a day. It may sound ridiculous, but considering how smashed everyone gets, you may get lucky leprechaun-style.

I don't actually know what "leprechaun-style" means, but leprechauns are pretty damn cool. They're lucky as shit and always have tons of gold. Some of them even make cereal. I think that's more than most of can say about our accomplishments in life. Not only that, but they wear those sweet hats and always know where to find a rainbow. I wonder if that makes them gay...

Anyway, homosexuals or not, leprechauns love getting intoxicated almost as much as we do. It's the only time of the year that bars open at 7 a.m. and you can get kegs full of green beer. Dr. Seuss was on the right track with green eggs and ham, but he was far too wholesome to even dare to think of green booze.

However, here at Michigan State where our school color is green, we know how to celebrate accordingly. It's no surprise that many students skip class or go to class drunk, but many professors do too. If you're watching the Disney channel movie Luck of the Irish on March 17th, it's because your professor is too hung-over to lecture or too drunk to speak. They want to be at the bars too, they're just not allowed to openly display their desire to be intoxicated and/or their already intoxicated condition.

That's where we come in. Although we are not advising public drunkenness, we're not dismissing it either. If you want to go to class dressed as a leprechaun and vomit green, no one has any right to stop you. If anything, you're just paying tribute to the Irish in your own way.

I think one of the main reasons people enjoy St. Patrick's Day so much is due to the fact that you don't really have to be Irish to get involved and celebrate. Christmas is for Christians, Valentine's Day is for couples, Independence Day is for Americans, etc. The majority of holidays like to exclude certain groups of people, but Saint Pat wasn't all about that.

He knew that everyone would be all sad and shit when he died, so he proposed that everyone have a bangin' party on the anniversary of his death instead. It would be blasphemous if we didn't grant this dead saint's last request.

So whether you're a Catholic, a Jew, a Muslim, an atheist, or anything in between; St. Patrick's Day welcomes all of you with open arms and an open bar. Have fun, but don't blame us if you wake up next to a leprechaun. They're some of the sneakiest bastards around.

 

 

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