State Your Case: Michael Jackson is Alive

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Michael Jackson.  The most infamous and mysterious death in years.  Was he poised by his doctor?  Did he overdose on pills on purpose?  Was his sudden heart failure induced by rapid masturbation to Home Alone?  So many questions seemingly left unanswered, but I am here today to argue that MJ's not dead at all.

In fact, the King of Pop is tricking all of us.  Michael planned this fake-out for years, covering every detail to ensure that no one would get wind of his schemes.  First, he searched endlessly to find a body double whom he could kill and send to the emergency room in his place.  He found a 78-year-old woman coming out of the facial wound unit of LA County Hospital one rainy afternoon.  Her face appeared to have been melted off in some kind of horrible fire, her skin looked like it hadn't seen the sun in years, and her jet-black hair was thinning yet elegantly disheveled.  He decided that even though she wasn't as good looking as he was, she would suffice.  Jackson posed as a taxi driver, picked up this poor, unsuspecting old woman, and told her they were taking "a little detour to a maaaagical place," and sped to Neverland.  He, of course, gave her a tour of his wonderland before hypnotizing her with his moonwalk, and eventually got her to drink Jesus Juice (aka homemade red wine put into a juicebox, and the only beverage available at Neverland Ranch), which he had poisoned.  Jacko kept her in his walk in freezer full of Push-Pops until the big day.

When he finally decided it was time, Michael roofied the Jesus Juices of everyone at his compound, so that their recollections of this incident would remain hazy.  He didn't want anyone to know the real story of what happened.  Once everyone was clearly incoherent, Jackson started shouting "Oh my heart!  I'm goin' down fast docta!  Tell the children to remember me!" in his high pitched voice, and made sure his doctor telephoned the police.  In the meantime, he placed the old woman's thawed out body sprawled on the floor, in his signature hand-over-crotch pose.  Ambulances and police arrived, took the bait, and none of the witnesses could give a valid explanation of what exactly happened.  Michael watched this from the two way mirror of his dance studio, petting his teddy bear and whispering, "It worked...They're gonna love me." 

The reason Jackson went through the strain of faking his own death was to plan the greatest comeback in world history.  All these new performers like Justin Timberlake and Chris Brown were the ones getting noticed for their smooth moves, he hadn't been accused of an underage sex scandal in years, and his bank account was a little in the red.  He had to do something drastic to win back the hearts of the world.  What would shock people more than a world tour, six months after being pronounced dead?!  "King of Pop: Back from the Grave" is what he's planning to call it. Rumor has it he will launch the tour in the LA cemetery where "he's buried," crawling out of the grave, Thriller Style, and dancing to the arena with a zombie entourage.  Word of this epic performance will spread internationally, and Jackson will set out on what will be the highest grossing tour ever recorded. 

Exactly when MJ is planning his return is unknown, but prepare yourselves; it will be legendary.  And think twice before you bid on any of his items on Ebay.  Rumor has it Jacko's got a stock pile of shit and selling it under different aliases at ridiculous prices to stay entertained while he's in hiding.  Joke's on us.

 

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