The Blacksheep Online | Suspend Your Puritan Roots on Unofficial

Suspend Your Puritan Roots on Unofficial

March 5, 2010 - 3:45 pm | Posted by: Quinn

CoverWeb People's sense of morality seems to change within a given situation. For example, I recently visited San Francisco and not five minutes had passed since my arrival before I saw the poorest attempt at a transvestite I could imagine. I'm talking a strung out 60-year-old with a silver wig matching his silver tube top and tennis ball-sized anal beads draped over his shoulders like a python. But instead of being like "omgwtfbbq," I was more like "Hey, it's San Francisco and that's what is expected." So I sat there on the bus avoiding eye contact with the other four trannies and concentrating on not getting a little chub. The point is, since I had accepted the fact that I was in San Francisco, my rigid sense of social standards temporarily relented. And this same phenomenon, my dear friends, sweeps over the entire campus on the day we have all come to know and love, that of Unofficial.

I propose that instead of taking a passive approach by being the person saying "Oh it's Unofficial, shit will happen," let's take the active approach, let's provoke that response. I have compiled a small sample of ideas, just to get the balls swinging, but I expect you to my ideas as kindle for the flaming fire that is your great idea. But before I start, I want you to stop reading now if you think this list is going to be about what everyone accepts as, a term I might trademark, "Unofficial Normalcy." That is, things every Joe-blow on campus does on Unofficial but still thinks is awesome and out of the ordinary. Nope. Everyone wakes up early and drinks green beer and eats green eggs. Everybody is okay with pooping green. And finally, everyone goes to class drunk, so don't brag about that, or any of the above.

People, this is a frozen moment in time when you can get away with anything because nobody will remember it. You can act out your weirdest, deepest, most perverted unconscious desires. In fact, I bet you won't even remember reading this, so here goes: I beat off to the Puppy Bowl this year. See, now is the time when you can tell people anything. But why just tell people? Instead of sending pathetic old drunk texts like "Oh Jasmine. Why can't I quit you?" do something more daring like show up naked on her doorstep with a bouquet of flowers, ecstasy and a Mason Jar. She'll be drunk and so will everyone else. You'll just be the "drunk guy with flowers" and no one will really care until you show everyone that the jar is to collect all the marbles you ate earlier in the day. But hey! It's Unofficial and shit (marbles) happens! Plus chances are her inhibition will be so low after 5 hours of drinking she might actually talk to you.

It's this sort of thing I am talking about. My friends, today is the day to be naked. You and your mates have always talked about streaking through the quad before graduation, well you're runnin' out of time, sister. And you ladies should take this time to show the world (if I can quote ACE IT correctly) "them tig ole bitties." Show the world what you got, because today everyone will cheer you. If you were to just flop those sweater puppies out on any old night at Kam's people would be like "whoa look at that shit-show," but today people will say "Wooo! Unofficial! Look at those boobs!" Soon enough the majority of girls will be pulling up their shirts and you'll have no reason to feel self-conscious.

Let's take it a step further - into the classroom. Now is the time to show your affections for your TA. Go ahead and flirt a little during class, maybe answer a few questions with sexual innuendos like "I would pull out before the Japanese came all over me," or depending on how late in the day, "Nice tits!" Then, upon eye contact, give her a little snake tongue. Finally, after class just go ahead and pull out all the stops and make out with her. She'll probably be like, "Dang this holiday and the drunk students, I'll give him a pass because he's drunk. Anyway, I'm the one who made them have an assignment due today, it's my fault before anyone else's."

Then escort her out onto the quad and have sex right in public. If you've ever wanted to display a little PDI (Public Display of Insertion) then today is the day. Sure, you might draw a few gazes, hell you might even draw a crowd, but it will be the best sex you've ever had. Think about it, you would feel like an athlete in front of stadium of drunk fans. You, naked, humping away on one of the remaining snow piles on the quad, feeding off the energy of the cheers and waving your hand in the air like a cowboy. You don't even feel the bite of the cold on the bare spot of your balls and before you know it you and your partner are hoisting hands in the air and running the circle for high fives. On a normal day the Quad Cam would have seen your misdemeanor and the Champaign police would have had a baton up your ass faster than a camel eating a pork chop in the middle of July.

But today you need not worry about the police. I know everyone is worried, but don't be. Because today you can do your worst: poop off a balcony, rob County Market AND murder someone. You can do this because our new-and-improved police force will be practicing their state-of-the-art SWAT team skills merely on jaywalkers and people playing beer pong on the sidewalk. So go out there and commit serious crimes worry-free.

Do this, because Unofficial as we know it is constantly going downhill. I don't think there is anyone left that can recall the glory days before the Herm started to seriously repress this glorious day. I've only heard stories of 8am bar crawls, Foellinger Auditorium beer bongs, and the Union fountain filled with green beer. There was once a time when the bars made more money than the cops. Last year? What, we almost had a flash mob? Ever since then they keep taking more and more away from us, so we need to fight back by doing some seriously weird shit. So if you need me, I'll be naked, banging my TA on the quad and pooping marbles.