The Blacksheep Online | Tall People: Should We Trust Them?

Tall People: Should We Trust Them?

February 8, 2010 - 10:45 am | Posted by: Quinn

TallPpl You know when you're at some social get-together, and two hockey fans "find" each other? It's the worst. They seem to take pride in knowing everything about a less-than-mainstream sport, and instantly form a camaraderie that lasts the rest of the night. The conversation starts to die down, and they instantly fall back on "So, how 'bout those 'Hawks limo pics, huh? Those girls were some dogs, am I right?" And then maybe you try to thrust yourself into their conversation with the whole "I've been two a few hockey games, they're always really fun..." song and dance. But it doesn't matter because both sides know you aren't at their level of expertise. They're sort of like the hipsters of sport. However, it must be noted that it is able to force yourself into a hockey conversation, or at least veer it somewhere else, because there is a conversation that is physically impossible to infiltrate: one between tall people.

Never travel alone with another tall person, let alone let him be your wingman. Chances are he will meet another tall person at the bar, they will get to talking and forget about you. Imagine walking into a bar and instantly seeing another person you can get along with, instead of having to talk to people. They might be friends, or friends of friends, but soon they will be best friends. Why? Because they're genetically predisposed of course. Humans aren't getting bigger because of dieting or whatever, it's because tall people always get along. They have some innate drive to come together in an attempt to enhance the human race. Short people are wired to worship tall people for the same reason. When power is put into the hands of short people, human atrocities such as Napoleon, Anakin Skywalker and The Piano Man happen.

So there they are at the bar, talking about God-knows-what, probably the weather up there, or the traffic in the next town over, or having abnormally curved wieners. Whatever they are talking about, you stand there staring at their abdomen like a poor cocktail weenie thrown into a regular sized bun. You might try to enter the conversation, but not being able to hear you way up there, they just humor you by laying their forearms on your head, or telling you to get them a beer.

It's a superiority thing, really. They know they have the power. Look at Gandalf and Saruman, they never really hang out with the shorter human-like beings, but just order them around like pawns. In fact, like any other pair of tall people in this world, I bet they merely met at a bar much like Brother's, got pissed that all these hobbits (gymnasts) were around, and made a pact between themselves and 18 other Tisdales to rule the world. This is happening in the real world. People are getting taller, and those people are creating an alliance, a fellowship, if you will. I asked resident tall man Pat Sanchez some revealing questions:

First of all, do you think you're better than me, or something?

No, not better, just like... stronger. It's just I know I have the upper hand in getting paid 'n laid, so I don't really need to necessarily think about you, you know?

Have you ever bagged a girl by saying you were on the basketball team?

You mean Joe Sanchez, the red shirted sophomore power forward? Sure, he's taken around seven girls to Pound Town.

Do you get anxious about people maybe thinking you look like a giraffe? Because you do, a big awkward giraffe.

I don't think you get it, Quinn. I don't delve into your little realm down there. Being tall is like having an extra nut, just that much more confidence. An extra nut coupled with a fire hose-like shaft, which is why we slouch and hobble around.

Do you believe the human race as it is now is weak, and it is up to you to fix it?

I'm not really at liberty to say anything. But I will say that there are plans in motion to, how do I say... fix the height problem on this earth.