The Blacksheep Online | Teen Mom: University of Illinois Edition

Teen Mom: University of Illinois Edition

February 8, 2010 - 2:31 pm | Posted by: Laura

Pregger 1Each week, we watch 4 young girls on MTV who've traded in a life of boozing, lots of promiscuous and protected sex, and general college-related awesome-ness for a life of premature mommy-hood. Instead of spending their money on case races, drunk food, and condoms, they pay for diapers and daycare. But what if they had all waited a few years and made it to good old U of I? Witness here how their lives would be different, and thank god you don't have another mouth to feed (One World breadsticks are not ideal for a baby's digestive system, that would be a rank diaper to change).

Farrah: Just my freaking luck...Kam's doesn't have a daycare room! What am I supposed to do with my precious boo-boo butt Sophia when I'm raging with the football team? It really makes me wonder who took care of me all those times I was pissing myself and crying. I KNOW it wasn't those skanky cheerleader friends of mine who haven't talked to me since I got knocked up. Okay, okay, I know! When you're a cheerleader, you're not supposed to put out and get pregnant, you're only supposed to give lots of head so your boyfriend won't cheat on you. Hello, have you LOOKED at me? It's not like it's easy keeping guys out of my pants, it's really no wonder I got knocked up. I've still got it too! I barely gained an ounce when I was pregnant, much to the dismay of my evil mother. Doesn't she understand that me not getting fat and stretchy means that I'm allowed to date now? It's like, karma has rewarded me for being hot, so I can tramp around all I want and leave Sophia with her. She needs to get her act together and realize that grandmothers are free daycare.

Amber: There is no way I'm raising Leah around that fat fuck, Gary, anymore. One day, I couldn't find Leah and I was almost positive that he'd eaten her; I mean look at his stomach! I get it that he ran out of late night points (and mine, and his roommate's, and his RA's and hall mate's...) but eating your own child is just wrong. I know when he's thinking about it, standing over her rubbing his belly, licking his lips and preheating the oven. Like a dog I have to slap him away, and he still doesn't get it. And don't even get me started on how he refuses to skip class to take care of the baby. We're in the big city now, these professors don't know our parents. He can skip once in a while! You know what? That's it; I'm packing up my Saturn and moving to Mahomet. There's bound to be a vacancy at the Motel 6 and a hairstyling job for me there. Did I mention that I style my own hair? It's kind of necessary considering that Gary spends all of our money at Fat Sandwich.

Maci: Thank god my baby is so cute, because his dad is a total prick. The next time Ryan thinks it's okay to stay in bed when Bentley starts crying, I'll shove that crap-filled diaper in his face. He should have spent less time explaining the baby-proof "Pelvic L" position and more time realizing the impossibility of keeping a baby in the dorms. But NOOOO. He doesn't want to get a job and pay for an apartment, he wants to sleep with me in my fun-size dorm bed, while trying to hide our son from the RA. How is it fair that I have to make money for diapers and formula by being a shot girl while his sleazy friends make passes at me and he carts his punk ass all up and down Green St.? Does he know that those gauged ears and neon graphic tees only look lamer on guys after high school?

Catelynn: I don't know what these bitches are talking about...I gave Carly up for adoption and my boyfriend is probably smarter than Gary, Ryan, and Farrah's mystery man combined. I've got it made. I mean, except for the creepy parental incest/jail time thing...Wine night at Cly's, here I come!