The Blacksheep Online | The Bar Scene Bailout

The Bar Scene Bailout

March 12, 2010 - 1:14 pm | Posted by: Lindsey

BarBailout Throughout our college careers we've been forced to cope with the devastation of beloved bars coming and going faster than nameless and faceless people from our bedrooms. Four years ago, strong islands from Gully's became nothing but an extremely vague memory. Three years ago, $1 tater tots from Bar Louie were abruptly taken away from us with no replacement in sight. Two years ago, high school kids wept as they scrambled to find a new place to get bombed. And now, although it feels like we're finally on an upswing with bars like Cly's and CO's making seemingly-triumphant returns, the future of the bar scene is actually hanging in the balance.

These days, to save money, kids are pregaming longer and harder than ever (insert some filthy penetration joke here) (Editor's note: don't get lazy on me, bitch. - that was the joke). Have you recently found yourself waking up with wristbands and stamps from bars you don't recall going to the night before? If so, you're not the only person experiencing the 8pm blackout. It's far cheaper to chug straight from the Skol bottle than pay $4 for a tiny plastic cup filled with watered-down, questionable liquids. It has become common practice that by the time 11:00 rolls around, we're all already a couple handles deep, dancing to Hanson, and experimenting with explosions of random food objects in the microwave. By the time that we make it to the bar, if ever, we won't dare go within ten feet of a drink without a death wish.

So what has caused this campus-wide alteration of pregame rituals? Since when are we too cheap to keep THE BARS in business? We all know that we'd rather eat paper than cut spending on booze. So here's what I think: since the whole clout debacle has been resolved, the average wealth of each student has dropped dramatically. No one can even afford the buck or two it costs for a drink anymore. If something doesn't change pretty soon, we may all be forced to join Illinites and go Cosmic Bowling every Friday night. No one wants that. Since the University got us into this mess by suddenly developing a set of morals, it's their job to get us out of it. Campus bars need a University-sponsored bailout.

No one cares about more money going to a "sustainable campus" and furlough days really work in the student body's favor. Put our tuition money to good use, dammit. The bars need money thrown at them to pay off their distressed kegerator loans and relieve their debt from unsold bottles of Patron. Think about Krannert, everyone drops $20 on that place when the pay tuition. Think how nice a bar could fix up with that cash! Without some dollar bills from the University or a rapid upswing of student spending, these bars will soon become nothing but a deserted breeding ground for hobos and squatters.

Obviously not every bar is deserving of this University sponsorship, and they can only afford to support a few. Therefore, the bailout should begin at Kam's. As a bar located just off campus on Daniel Street, they're a student's first line of defense from the horrors of sober note-taking. And though it may not be the first bar that comes to mind when we dream of glamorous nights out, it does bring a lot of things to the table. What would this campus be without at least one bar with a popcorn machine? And honestly, can you think of any better place to spend a Friday afternoon happy hour than standing on uneven cobblestone staring at a colorful mural? I didn't think so.

Next up on the rescue list is Firehaus. It may sound shocking that the arguably "fanciest" bar on campus is in deep waters, but it's all of those damn fishbowls they've been practically giving away Tuesday nights. While a normal bowl filled with wonder and possibilities runs at around $12, the Tuesday special cuts the price to just $4. That's less than a footlong! This bar is hemorrhaging money for the sake of our social lives. They must be saved!

Finally, to appease anyone who has ever had a one-night stand or felt a stranger's hands in their pants, the University's remaining funds should go to Joe's. We need at least one good dance club in these parts. If they close, where will all the virgins go to touch boobies? We can't spare to see $2 U-Call-Its disappear into oblivion and take our adored steamy sex room with it.

This may seem like an extreme suggestion in light of the huge deficits this state is facing right now. But without some backing from the good, old U of I, these bars could take a horrible turn for the worse. Not only would that ruin the social lives of roughly 50,000 kids, it would crush business owners everywhere and eliminate the millions in revenue this town pulls from drinking tickets. Things would fall apart. Chaos would break out. There would definitely be fires. And to leave you with the words of Mark from Empire Records, "Damn the man, save the empire!"