The Blacksheep Online | The Black Sheep Presents: Anti-Lent!

The Black Sheep Presents: Anti-Lent!

February 17, 2010 - 2:27 pm | Posted by: John

Lent This week everyone participated in one of the most sinful holidays of the year, Fat Tuesday. Being full of sex, tits, heavy drinking, tits, terrible dancing, tits, parades, tits and colorful beads, this event was practically designed for The Black Sheep. The culmination of Mardi Gras normally brings personal sacrifice with it (because honoring God all year would obviously be lame, so instead we just do it for 40 days), but this year I was thinking I might try something different. Instead of giving up one vice during lent, I will instead test drive 40 new vices! One for every day of lent! Hooray for innovation! My logic is that if I put myself through 40 days of evil I'll come out pure on the other side, like when Tim Robbins crawled through a half mile of poo to escape from Shawshank State Prison. This is my itinerary:

Alcohol. This is going to be very long and difficult 40 days, and there's no better way to prepare for something than knocking back a beer or two (or twenty) in anticipation.
Cigarettes. Nothing new here. Maybe I'll switch to Lucky Strikes for a day to really teach myself a lesson. (Editor's Note: We did this once. It was a mistake.)
Marijuana. "Whoa dude...it's all so clear now...lent is about self control. Like, being the god of your own body. Dude. For 40 days I become my own god...whoa." And on the third day god created Cool Ranch Doritos. And they were good.
Porn. I've always been curious as to how many times a grown man can masturbate in a day before his dick falls off. Day four will allow me to finally answer that question. Watch out YouPorn servers, you're going to be working overtime.
Caffeine. A pot of coffee to start the day, shotgun a Red Bull or six, drink one of those 5-hour energy things and then see if I can read a book without my eyeballs shaking violently out of their sockets.
Pre-marital Sex. Now I'm starting to really get into the stuff that pisses off the big guy upstairs. Don't worry God; I'm throwing my sacred spear in a bunch of polytheistic Greek bitches to honor you!
Exhibitionism. Everybody! We're going streaking! Through the quad and up to the Union! Everybody's doing it! There are more coming!
Voyeurism. Anybody that lives with a courtyard window in the six pack is already a voyeur. Don't bother denying it, I used to live there too so I know the drill. With that said, voyeurism won't be going too far from home base with me.
Bestiality. I'm thinking a sheep. They're kind of cute, and if I squint it will be like having sex with a cloud. And that seems poetic, therefore not horrifyingly disturbing.
Greed. Look for me; I'll be the guy panhandling on the quad for whatever organization you seem like you'd give the most money to.
Gluttony. I'm thinking a Big a dozen McMuffins for breakfast ought to do the trick.
Anger. I'm not sure how to just "be" angry. Maybe I'll just glare at everybody I see. Or maybe I'll punch someone in the mouth, but I'm not much of a fighter so it would have to be a knockout punch. Girls and scrawny-looking dudes beware.
Bro-ism. I can only assume that being bro-like is a vice for those who do it, because if there's actually people in the world who pop their collars and listen to Nickelback out of their own free will then I lose faith in humanity.
Sloth. Stay in bed all day? Don't mind if I do.
Envy. This one will be pretty easily done. I'll stalk those couples who go to Gym together, getting fit and then having filthy post-workout sex. Everybody hates them, but everybody wants to be them.
Vanity. Staring at myself in the mirror all day isn't all that far from what I do now. I don't want to toot my own horn but I'm a pretty dashing dude. Whoops, already tooted.
Prostitution. Not ordering one, becoming one. Get out your wallets ladies. No? Fine, guys, no kissing on the lips.
Blasphemy. Pretty sure that'll have been accomplished plenty by this point. But if need be I'll hang a rosary around my St. Peter while beating off to The Passion.
Meth. NOW we're talking! I'll just have to work a few extra shafts on the corner beforehand to prepare for the debilitating addiction that will be sure to follow.
Violent Crime. Violent crime has been about as common on campus this semester as cutting class, so really what difference does one more crime report email make in the grand scheme of things?
Stalking. If I really want to get creative maybe I could combine this one with violent crime and unleash a little Michael Myers action. Throw in prostitution and call me John the Ripper.
Racketeering. I don't actually know what this is so I plan on hitting people in the ears with a tennis racket all day because that's what it sounds like.
Stealing. Starting RIGHT NOW! WITH YOUR WALLET! Made you look! What a boob.
Listening to boy bands. And not that N'Sync/Backstreet Boys bullshit, I'm talking legit groups. Like SoulDecision and 98 Degrees. I'm shuddering just thinking about it.
Putting ketchup on everything. This vice ruins some peoples' lives. Sure they don't realize it but when you put ketchup on your pop tarts there isn't much left to live for.
Racism. Ideally at a basketball game so Demetri McCamey can personally show me the error of my ways. Being punched in the face would suck but if it was by him it would almost be okay.
Cocaine. "LENT IS AWESOME! I FUCKING LOVE IT! SHIT! I'M READY TO FIGHT SOMEBODY!"
Watching Lost. From what I hear Lost is worse than meth as far as debilitating addictions go. It takes over your life and gives you withdrawals and a headache when it ends. Sexual favors fit in there somewhere as well.
Going shoe shopping. This is like crack for my mom so it's probably worth exploring.
Using a glory hole. The absolute definition of anonymous sex. I just need to find one...at the Silver Bullet maybe?
Overusing Twitter. If Twitter were a disease, half of Hollywood and the world of professional athletes would have to be quarantined.
Destruction. I'll be taking a sledgehammer to everything I see on this day. Including your nose, punk. And no, the sledgehammer isn't my wang. Actually it could be, so watch out, punk.
Video games. The vice of choice for those aged 8-14. And some very unfortunate adults.
Mountain Dew Code Red. After a day full of video games I'll need some of this stuff, they kind of go hand in hand. Have you seen Zombieland?
Steroids. I wonder how huge I can get in one day...
Sniffing Permanent Markers. Getting high 5^th grade style!
Eating Play-Doh. Getting high preschool style!
Cannibalism. Finally an excuse to eat Selma Hayek! Is it just me or does she not look freaking delicious? Going to need to stock up on ranch for this day.
Selling secrets to the Soviets. They're still out there somewhere.
Pooping/Peeing the bed. This probably isn't actually a vice for anybody but I can certainly see how it would get in the way of your walk with God. I'll probably use my roommates' beds though.

And that is it. Hopefully by the time I get to this point my soul will be as clean as the day I was born. More likely I'll end up dead or in jail before I even get into the twenties though. But it's for God! And he's important and stuff.