The Blacksheep Online | What Ever Happened to that News About Booze?

What Ever Happened to that News About Booze?

February 25, 2010 - 5:00 pm | Posted by: Dave

TBNConspiracy If you're an avid reader of The Booze News, you may have been noticing some changes that started last semester. At first the difference was pretty subtle; just the name at the top changed. But then all of sudden, there was a new website and different pictures. Even our weekly features seemed to change. You may have thought "why do the things I love always leave me?" or "what do pictures of bass and old men fishing have to do with college?" Yes, even I, a writer for this dear publication, have raised concerns about why instead of our weekly caption contest and shout-outs, we started doing "Big Catch of the Week" and a classifieds section selling old fishing supplies. What are bigwigs at Booze News Corporate thinking?!

Correction: I've just been informed that I have actually been reading Bass Fishing Weekly for the last year instead of this current paper. (This explains why my articles about mastering the perfect cast while hooking up at bars haven't run.) Apparently the real change is that we have changed our name from The Booze News to The Black Sheep.

Before you start freaking out about why we know longer have the word "Booze" in our name or if this means your subscription to Bass Fishing Weekly is not coming anymore, just calm down. We're still the same old fun-loving, booze-drinking paper. The only difference is now when you read this in class, it's much easier to lie and say you're reading something besides "The Top Ten Shits You Wish You Could Have Taken While Super Stoned".

But in this information super-world we live in, even the littlest of change sparks controversy. There have literally been at least three rumors discussed by probably some guy about what happened to the The Booze News. Seriously, I've been checking out this new Twitter thing, and I've seen some stuff. Like did you know even some celebrities have Twitters?! Also, you can post pictures!

As much as we like people talking about us, it's time to put the rumors to rest. Of the following rumors, only one of them is true, and at the end of the article I will reveal which one (also, try to find Waldo):

1. The anti-alcohol administration banned us from the University.

After years of banning us from Quad Day, not allowing us to pass out papers in the dorms, and discouraging students from reading the paper; the administration permanently cracked down. They expelled all the writers, claimed the paper as their own, and are slowly changing the name. In two months, The Black Sheep will be revealed as a new alcohol awareness program that the administration is trying to get off the ground. Its slogan will be "over consume studying, not alcohol, even if it makes you a Black Sheep".

2. We sold our newspaper to GE for millions.

Small web-based ideas make huge piles of money and last forever; just look at MySpace, Napster, and America Online. GE saw world-wide potential in The Booze News and bought the company. Soon the GE owned television networks like NBC and USA will air our original content. Look out for new shows like "Law and Order: Drunk Dialing Division" and "Bartender Weekly". Even Telemundo is getting a show: "Los Bros Estupidos." Of course, the named changed to The Black Sheep so GE can pair it with the NBC peacock and do tons of cross promotion (males ages 18-40 love animals). It seems risky, but could a company who put their future in Jay Leno get any worse?

3. Ron Zook sued us for misrepresentation.

Every week during football season, we work hard obtaining interviews with Ron Zook. Sure, some of these interviews don't show him in the best light, but we would be bad journalists if we printed lies. In a rage, Ron Zook threatened to sue, but because we have at least developed a professional relationship with him, we were able to settle out of court. We decided that we would keep printing his interviews, but he would get to rename us. He chose The Black Sheep because it's his favorite animal to sacrifice before games.

4. A lot of the paper was actually not news nor was it just about drinking.

Although we take a fun approach to college life, sometimes we like to write about a different side of college other than drinking. Like smoking pot, sleeping during class, or smoking pot while drinking. We decided that the best thing to do was to just change the name so it would incorporate all the things we enjoy writing about. Obviously a Black Sheep is just a metaphor for whatever it is we do enjoy; maybe you'll understand it more if you're drunk?

5. Former Chancellor Richard Herman and President Joseph White were actually the sole writers of The Booze News and forced to resign after the truth was learned.

Did you really think that a little political clout would cause two of the campus' most powerful employees to resign? Schools nationwide allow students in based on who their parents are. How do you think those Palin kids are going to go to a non-community college? The real reason is that Herman and White were working together to write The Booze News. After their plan to create a nude magazine featuring all students called The Booze News After Dark was exposed ironically in their own relatively new tabloid TMBOOZE, the University made them resign and covered the scandal to avoid embarrassment. Then they kept the paper but changed the name because... I said so, that's why.

6. We have become a civil rights group much like the Black Panthers except we aren't cool enough to be associated with panthers.

In honor of Black History Month we decided more needed to be done to help fight the mistreatment of African Americans that's still happening today. We wanted to model ourselves off of the cool, authoritative power of the Black Panthers, but none of us owned any turtlenecks, sunglasses, or black berets. Also we all only know like one black guy, and we were afraid to ask him if forming this organization was offensive. So for now we just picked a wussy animal and will continue writing comedy articles. One day we'll work up the courage to ask our black friend if we can start protesting with him, and if it's cool if we refer to the government as "the man".

So those are the big rumors about our paper, and as promised, I will tell you the truth. Here it goes: ALL THOSE RUMORS ARE TRUE! This is Rich Herman; they have a gun to my head! They want me to lie to you and say we just changed our name for advertising reasons, and so our writers can put something that doesn't have the word "booze" in it on their resumes! Lies, all lies! All the rumors I just wrote about are what really happened! The school kicked us out, GE bankrupted us, Ron Zook started hanging out with a rabid dog and is foaming at the mouth, and I haven't heard from Joey White in two weeks! Also I think Bass Fishing Weekly is behind all of it! Oh no, they've noticed what I've written. I don't have much time. Black Power!