The Blacksheep Online | Why You Will Ruin Unofficial

Why You Will Ruin Unofficial

March 4, 2010 - 5:55 pm | Posted by: Dave

Ruiner Hey, Johnny Q. Everystudent! Thinking about celebrating Unofficial this year? I bet you're going to wake up at 7 a.m., and everything, right? Maybe you and your friends had some T-shirts made with funny little slogans on them? May I offer a suggestion? Don't do it. Just go back to bed and don't wake up until the weekend is over. Because you, my friend, are going to ruin Unofficial!

Listen, I don't mean to be so in-your-face about your upcoming Unofficial suckage, so let's just "rap" for a bit? For the rest of this article, just think of me as your wise, father-like mentor. A proverbial Cliff Huxtable, if you will; or, for the TGIFers, a Mr. Cooper to hang with.

Now I understand that you had big plans for Unofficial; I too have been in your position. I know that all your old friends from back home are coming to stay with you so you guys can party like the "old days". Even that cute Chinese girl from your old high school texted you saying she was coming, and even though you weren't interested in Asians two years ago, you've realized that all those college party movies where everyone has sex all the time have been a bit over exaggerated so now Jessica Li is looking pretty damn fine.

Believe me, I've been there. But also believe me, young Theo, you will do something that will directly ruin Unofficial for everyone else, and it all will start from one of the following simple sentences:

1. "Let's get sweet shirts, brosephs!"

Ah, the time-honored tradition of making a shirt with some shitty pun on it. What is it this year? "Irish I was drunk" or "Dublin' Up"? Whatever it is, I bet you got that four leaf clover dead center. And what's this on the back? A bunch of pictures of beers that you can X out once you drink one so you can inform everyone that you're drinking on the one day every else has had just as much as you? You must think you're pretty fucking cool right now.

As it turns out, those shirts have been made for years and were never clever to begin with. The money all your friends spent on those shirts could've been pulled together to buy a keg. Or if you had to have a shirt, why didn't you try switching it up? Like instead of a clover, you could've put a lemon or Kelsey Grammer in the center. Too bad it's too late.

2. "Sorry, broskis, I gotsta go to class..."

Yes, for some reason professors have class on Unofficial, and yes, sometimes class can't be skipped. But if you can't go to class drunk, or take an exam drunk or perform your first cadaver dissection drunk, then you don't deserve to be a part of Unofficial. Don't even try to humor me by getting up at 7 a.m., to drink "just one beer" and then going to the library to study until 2 p.m. You're dead to me now.

3. "Hey younger Han Brolos, I'm an alumni and can't face the fact that I'm old!"

So maybe you're reading this thinking that you should be allowed to celebrate Unofficial because even if you ruin it this year, as the years go by you will learn from experience. But even when you graduate, you have Unofficial ruining potential. You'll come back to U of I one year because you have no friends or family and put on your shirt from 2001 with the same lame pun on it as a current freshmen's shirts. Of course the shirt will already inform people how cool you are, but that doesn't mean you'll hesitate to assert even more coolness by informing them how Unofficial "used to be". Back in your day, the streets flooded with beer, the professors threw parties and a leprechaun showed up once with Kelsey Grammar; they both ate lemons in one bite (that shirt idea doesn't sound so crazy now). Hopefully by now you've noticed all those girls over there wondering if you're someone's dad and have realized that "your day" is long gone.

Of course those are just a few examples of how you're going to ruin Unofficial. Other things may be said like "I'm sorry, bros, I don't drink beer", "Guys, I heard of a cool party going on at the dorms", or "I know I'm drunk, but I could really go for a motorcycle ride right now". So please, for everyone's sake, put down the beer, go home and don't you even think about trying to get some action by saying "Kiss me, I'm Irish".