Your Hookup Itinerary for Unofficial

---

It's no secret that Unofficial St. Patrick's Day is the most magical day of the year. We unite as an entire campus to celebrate the Irish and their intense appreciation for the greatest activity ever: day drinking! The only thing better than day drinking is day drinking with appropriate breaks in the action for...well, action. So grab your favorite, sexiest cuddle buddy and be sure to fit these four sack sessions into your all day drink-fest:

Still Sober (5:45 AM): If you can wake up early for an Irish car bomb, you can certainly wake up for this crucial, pre-drinking hookup. Sure, your partner would probably loosen up and get a little kinkier after a few cold ones, but before you get carried away with delicious, artificially colored beer this is your opportunity to get in your favorite, more elaborate positions before the booze wreaks havoc on your balance and rhythm. Have you ever tried the reverse pile driver after a case race? You'll end up with a concussion, broken spine, and more vomit than you've ever wanted to clean up. May this wildly flexible and non-alcoholic lay be the only sober memory of your day.

Seeing Green (10:30 AM): You've had your green eggs and ham, and your tongue is the perfect shade of green after tapping the keg. If you can still perform a keg stand without flipping over and kicking someone in the face, you're at the perfect level of drunk for the next hookup. This level of intoxication is incredibly important and without it, you'll find that you're either too sober to have the nerve to complete the task at hand, or too drunk to do it discreetly. You've probably left your apartment for another party or bar, so the odds that you'll have any privacy are low. Find a huge mass of green people, stand in the middle and utilize the weight of the people around you for a subtle standing position. Note that skirts and kilts will aide you significantly.

Ahhh, Missionary (3:15 PM): There's nothing wrong with the safe staple, especially after a rousing round of wizard staffs. Find a soft surface, whether it be a bed, futon, or a crumpled wet stack of the DI you found in a dumpster and go to town. You may notice that it's easier to leave most of your clothing on for this round, especially if you find yourself forgetting to pull up your pants after every trip to the bathroom. Public nudity isn't necessarily frowned upon during Unofficial, but neglecting to replace your boxers after this hookup could result in repetitive jokes about your dick resembling a leprechaun (which is bad; no girl will want a tiny bearded Irish man messing around with her lucky charms).

...You Tried (9:00 PM): Chalk it up to Jameson-dick, your partner passing out, or a bladder that's mere millimeters from exploding. It is, after all, Unofficial, and the fact that you made that last effort is indeed commendable. Men bigger than yourself have fallen victim to the evil, cock-blocking side of consuming copious amounts of alcohol. Don't be disheartened, though. If anything else, waking up on Saturday wearing only a fake red beard, next to a girl with shamrock pasties will give you some laughs, right?

Feel free to throw in a few impromptu oral sessions in bar bathrooms, don't forget to wear your most presentable green undergarments, and this Unofficial will be one for the spank bank hall of fame.  That is, unless you black out and forget absolutely everything. Happy Unofficial!

 

---

---

Write a comment

Name:
Email:
Subject:
Comment: *

Help prevent spam - enter security code above: