The Blacksheep Online | How to NOT Destroy Yourself This Semester

How to NOT Destroy Yourself This Semester

January 20, 2010 - 12:07 pm | Posted by: Danyel

Destroy Shower It’s inevitable. Every winter we all return from break full of ambition and the hopes of a fresh start; that is until all inhibition is thrown out the window the second day of syllabus week. Yet, there are ways to live it up while maintaining the dignity of your soul, body, and GPA.

Eat Well and Drink Plenty of Water
After you’ve consumed all the food your parents sent you back to school with, you know you aren’t hitting up the grocery store for the rest of the semester. It takes way too much effort and time to hit up Meijer, and Walgreens on campus is far too expensive, plus you’re insane if you aren’t spending that grocery money at the bar every Thursday night. So, to stay healthy, you need to eat something with some sort of nutritional value. A delicious and FREE meal that I’ve come to enjoy are stolen bird eggs; as long as you’re swift and stealth enough (mamma birds are terrifying) these delicacies are excellent fried, scrambled, raw, or sunny-side up. A great water source is the Boneyard Creek on the Engineering Quad; just fill a couple of milk jugs each day and drink them throughout your classes.

Shitshow Showers
Every morning you wake up after a night full of bar-hopping and hookups, realize you’re 40 minutes late for class, and sprint out of your place in either the clothes you spent the night dancing and sweating in all night or half naked. Showers are often an afterthought, and by the time you get home you’re either too lazy or hungover to stand long enough for a shower. So, to save time and effort, shower at the end of your drunken excursions. You’ll stay clean on a regular basis and, if you keep your clothes on, you’ll also eliminate the need to do laundry. Just make sure you don’t pass out in the shower; believe it or not, water is not free.

Be Gym-nasty
Face it—when you’re drunk you tend to fall on your face. A lot. No one looks cool or endearing when this happens, so why not find a way to pull off a debonair fall? As soon as you realize you’re going to take a tumble, mentally channel your inner gymnast and turn that shit into a graceful somersault. For added allure, light a cigarette mid-sault, while pulling instantly out of it into a wall lean, casually taking a drag from your cig. Be ultra sexy by saying something witty and clever in a British or Australian accent with a wink. [Disclaimer: Due to the use of a lighter and lit cigarette during this maneuver, we must recommend that only true badasses attempt this feat. Seriously, pussies beware.]

Porn-Tasking
How much time do you waste each week watching porn (not that porn is ever a waste of time) when you should be doing productive things like studying or loading your dishwasher? Two hours? 10 hours? Most likely 15+ hours… So how do you enjoy your man/woman junk while maintaining a respectable academic reputation? You porn-task! Keep the mind sharp by reading the latest Black Sheep, Playboy, or, for the super ambitious, Hunter S. Thompson, during these primetime hours of your life. The over achievers might attempt studying, filling out next year’s FAFSA, or applying for grad school while inadvertently murdering kittens. You could also use your free hand to do your makeup or man-styling your hair before a big night out.

Poop
Consistency is always crucial to a healthy and non-destructive life. The excretion of toxins is also important; so consistent excretion is a logical means of surviving this spring. Seriously, pooping on a regular schedule will change your life, so plan your days accordingly. Shitting out all of the liquor from the night before may not be the most enjoyable experience, but it will definitely be gratifying when it’s over. A way to even out the liquid/solid ratio of your poo is to eat lots of fiber including beans, whole grain breads, fruit and robin eggs. Things to avoid include corn, peanuts, eggshells, glass, and cactus. Trust us, a happy colon makes for a happy drinker.

Follow these guidelines and you will surely survive this semester; that is as long as you aren’t attacked by birds, drown in the shower, break your spine, or have explosive and painful diarrhea.