Sex and the U: The Transition

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Ever had one of those nights where you are hitting on all cylinders? Everyone's laughing at your half-assed dick jokes, you're looking fly in your Green Lantern t-shirt, and somehow you have caught the interest of the hottest girl in your group. You go over to her to get your flirt on and chat her up with some sexy astronomy facts (example: the Earth moves more than 89 million miles in space during the average amount of time it takes to have sex. Go ahead, use that. It's for you.), but somehow by the end of the night you find that instead of enjoying a nice rub n' tug courtesy of Hottie McFox, you're once again snuggling up for another passionate roll in the hay with your old friend YouPorn. Dude, what happened?

Well it was one of two things. Either her boyfriend found you and kicked your ass back to the sixth grade or you just aren't very good at closing the deal. If it was the former, keep your chin up, kid. Pain is just weakness leaving the body, and all that. But if it was the latter it's a quick fix! You just need to work on your transitional skills.

I'm referring to the Party-to-Bedroom Transition, which is arguably the most important component to a successful hook-up, either random or recurring. You can be the coolest cat in the bar at any given time but if you don't know how to actually get the girls to go home with you, your sparkling personality might as well be dead weight you're carrying around. In fact, guys with little to no personality can still pull in mad girl candy if they have a developed sense of transitional ability. I once witnessed a guy secure a girl for the night using nothing but a series of grunts and a simple point of the finger in the direction of his apartment. It's how I imagine the Cro-Magnon man used to get with sexy cavewomen at ancient dive bars.

So the question remains, how do you level up from "Kevin Gregg" to "Lee Smith" on the sexual closer scale? The answer, quite simply, is confidence. Also, a much larger pair of testicles than you currently possess, but there are pills for that so you're covered. The confidence is the main thing though, because really there's not much to the transitional technique. If things are going well with a girl all you really have to say is "Hey, do you want to get out of here?" and you're probably covered. There are other methods if you prefer not to be so forward. You could offer to buy some food for the two of you, or you could take a page from How I Met Your Mother and "bait" them to your place by asking if they want to come look at your Wu-Tang Clan poster (actual poster not necessary). However you decide to do it, the fact remains that the girl is into you regardless of whatever method you choose to use. As long as you don't get all anxious and trip down a flight of stairs or cream your jeans while asking her, you're probably in the clear.

Every once in a while you don't even have to bother with the transition because the girl will do it for you, which is always nice. Their methods tend to be much more forward. Like the forceful make-out session in the middle of the bar, or screaming "MAKE ME PREGNANT JOHNNY!" in front of 200 people. Whether or not your name is Johnny is completely moot, at that point the transition is already out there, helplessly collapsing right into your open arms.

Unfortunately that doesn't happen as often as most guys would like, so usually we have to do it ourselves. But as long as you stay confident (and the girl you're talking to likes jokes about doing it with Miley Cyrus) you can expect to see a lot of fruitful nights in your future.  But while I can reach an audience of women, come on, step it up a notch.  In this day and age, this process should be mutual, well, unless you're dog-faced.

 

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