The Blacksheep Online | Sex and the U: The Two-Man Threesome

Sex and the U: The Two-Man Threesome

March 3, 2010 - 3:42 pm | Posted by: John

MMF3 Unofficial. The one day of the year when the student body unites as one and anything goes. Every Unofficial brings with it some of the best memories of most students' lives to date. In light of all the insanity on the horizon, it seems fitting to spend this week talking about one of the craziest things that any guy can do in his lifetime: the two-man threesome.

I use the word "crazy" and not something like "awesome" or "fully boss" because the two-man threesome is anything but awesome. It's demeaning to the woman involved, generally disapproved of by society as a whole (YouPorn employees notwithstanding) and there's the off chance your dick could touch another guy's dick and that is simply never okay. Unless that dick belongs to someone like Denzel Washington, in which case you should be honored. He's just flat out handsome.

But Denzel isn't interested in taking part in a two-man threesome with you or me or anybody else (trust me, I've emailed him) so that brings us back to the fact that two-man threesomes are not a good idea. But, like I mentioned before, it is Unofficial and anything goes on Unofficial. So if the Eiffel Tower's been calling your name, this Friday is as good a time as any to answer that call. However, you should at least consider what you're getting yourself into; this is where I come in.

If a threesome is like a tricycle, then the two-man threesome is like a gas powered Big Wheels; lots of testosterone, minimal practicality and a cramped interior. Unfortunately Big Wheels sound fucking AWESOME in theory so we forced our parents to buy them for us and then we'd use them five times and the plastic front wheel would wear out and we'd forget about them. My point is, after four or five or thirteen green beers, double teaming the hot chick at the party with low self esteem might sound like a great idea; but to you I say "caveat emptor, my friend," because there are a lot of unfortunate goings-on that occur during two-man threesomes that you may not realize until you find yourself in the thick of things.

First of all, and this can't be said enough, there's another MAN with you! And he's as naked as the day he was born except when he was born he didn't have a hairy ball sack and a fully functional ramrod. Now he does; and it's staring at you. There are really only two ways to have a two-man threesome; the Eiffel Tower or double penetration; both run huge potential risks. In the Eiffel Tower you WILL make eye contact with either him or his one-eyed snake. There are only so many corners of the room you can stare at until your eyes inevitably wander to whatever's happening on the other side of the girl. And double penetration basically guarantees your balls will be mashing against another man's balls. ::Shivers::

Then once you get towards the end, unless you and the other guy miraculously finish at the same time (which would totally be way cute of you), there's going to be some serious lag-time in between orgasms. What if you finish first? Do you just stand there and wait for the other two or do you awkwardly leave? "Thanks guys, I had a great time, uhh...give me a call sometime. Have fun finishing up." And then there's the ridicule from your friends! My god, it would never end! A certain C.E.O. of a certain University of Illinois weekly comedy paper can certainly vouch for that...

So, if you get lucky enough to find yourself in a prime position to score some double-dicked ménage à trios action, by all means go for it. But don't forget the implications that go along with that decision. And if you do go for it, have fun! Because really, who cares what the hell you do on Unofficial. Shoot, your two-man threesome might even be with me. Bring on the green beer!