The Blacksheep Online | The Relationships Unsung Hero: The OTPHJ

The Relationships Unsung Hero: The OTPHJ

March 1, 2010 - 12:00 pm | Posted by: Andrew

OTPHJ It's a classic scenario for lovebirds across the nation: Both like each other's company but have only been on a few dates. While things haven't heated up there's still sexual tension in the air. The gals don't want to come off as skanky and give head and the guys don't want to come off as an aggressive pervert by whipping their wang out. Each side is at an impasse. Whatever shall they do?

That is where God said "Let there be the OTPHJ". For the naïve, the OTPHJ is an Over the Pants Hand Job and it's been the savior of relationships everywhere since the dawn of bottled lube. While many guys frown at the idea of it, all will take it over nothing. The ladies love giving OTPHJs because they still seem innocent and sweet but get their guy off. People who make pants love it because well...people ruin pants when receiving the OTPHJ. It is a win-win-win for all!

Now, over my years of sexual exploits I have encountered many OTPHJs. This is not to say I am a player, instead, consider me a philosopher of sorts. The OTPHJ is the gateway drug of sex. When a gal gives an OTPHJ she has already broken the sexual barrier, thus making it easier for guy to get even more, maybe even an actual handie! Most people scoff at the OTPHJ but not I! I say thank you! Thank you for making it easier for me to eventually get a blow job!

What I'm not thankful for though is the horrendous OTPHJs I've been receiving while at Michigan State. I call out to all my female readers right now (those who can still stand me) to take heed to my simple tips regarding OTPHJ as nothing will turn a guy off more than giving him rug burn on his Sgt. Pepper. Think of this as Cosmo's sex tips, but from a guy who has way too much free time on his non-HJ-giving hands.

1) Make sure it's his Johnson you are rubbing

I cannot tell you how many times I've had to fake getting off because a gal is rubbing my cell phone for a solid 20 minutes. What baffles me even more is she thinks my wang is the shape of a Blackberry that occasionally vibrates and rings when aroused. Ladies, make sure you got a firm grip on what matters before you go to town on it.

2) Do not give me jean burn

You are not trying to start a fire with two sticks. Ease up on the pace there ladies, and listen to the guy's breathing. If you are rubbing up and down furiously like it is a scratch and sniff then I'm definitely not call you again.

3) Don't look me in the eyes

After years of desensitization by sex in movies, previous sexual experiences, and porn on the internet, it takes a lot more than a simple OTPHJ to get me off these days. Now I am no different than most men, so basically what I'm saying is that I'm not imagining you giving me an OTPHJ. I'm probably lost in my own little fantasy world and there's one thing that will quickly rip me out of it: you looking at me expecting some deep emotional connection to happen. It won't happen, romance doesn't come out of you rubbing my junk through my jeans.

4) Just give him a hand job

Let's be honest here, if you want to get this guy back, give him an HJ. He was a gentlemen and put up with the OTPHJ, but really, reward him. Think of the OTPHJ as the warm-up band to the Black Eyed Peas (and by Black Eyed Peas I mean a hand job).

So guys, next time she starts rubbing you through your jeans just know this is a warm-up act for bigger things to come and ladies when you are scared to get things hot and heavy just know there is a win-win situation for everyone. The Over the Pants Handjob!