Top 10: Ways to Get Wasted in Class on Unofficial

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10. Flask: This seems to be the lamest and, honestly, most difficult way to booze it up in class. The act of taking a pull or mixing anything in the middle of a classroom doesn't seem very reasonable; this will work, however, in the middle of a giant lecture hall. Eat your heart out Gottheil.

9. Pregame: Even if you have class at 9 a.m. on Friday you should be up drinking at least two hours in advance. Save yourself the trouble of being sneaky by just showing up completely plowed.

8. McKillMe: While getting an excuse from McKinley is usually easier than crossing Green and Wright, doing so on Unofficial takes tact and wit. In most cases you actually do have to have something wrong with you. So the trick here is to infect yourself with something that will get you an excuse but also allow you to drink all day; we suggest an ear infection or easily treated STD.

7. An Apple a Day: A day or two before class, take a piece of fruit (pineapple is the very best, but may be a more difficult option) and either inject it with or soak it in booze. When you take out your booze-infused fruit for breakfast or midday snack, no one will suspect just how hammered you're actually getting.

6. Explosive Diarrhea: If you're too much of a pussy to actually sneak booze into the classroom, persistently excuse yourself to the bathroom throughout class to go take shots. Sure, everyone's going to think you're taking disgusting shits, but they're just missing out. Text the cool dude next to you to come "check on you" and share your clever booty.

5. Furlough Day: Find out if your professor or TA is on the Furlough list and convince him or her to take Unofficial off. It's a win-win for everyone involved; plus you know you want to meet your hot TA at Murphy's and try to get her drunk enough to give you a blow j-...er...A.

4. Body Double: Send your buddy that everyone thinks is your younger bro or sis to class in your place so you can sit at home and do keg stands while they pretend to be you for 50 minutes. As long as they wear a hat and hoodie, your TA will never realize it isn't you. Expect to owe them big-time though.

3. Coke Can: Of the many fantastic life lessons Always Sunny has taught us, this one may be the most useful. While bottles are more conspicuous and tend to be checked by random officials and officers, nobody ever suspects the already-opened can. Just drink a little more than half the Coke and fill that sucker up with some whiskey; or you could always fill 'er up with a cheap Cab Sauv and impress the ladies.

2. Fool the Asian: Your Asian TA doesn't know shit about America, let alone Unofficial and the University's policies on drinking. Bring beer for all your classmates and start shot-gunning those bitches; if everyone's doing it, the Asian won't realize it's illegal.

1. Planned Absence: Why waste your time drinking in a class you rarely attend on Fridays anyway? Save one of your throw-out quizzes for this day or flat out refuse to sign up for any sort of presentation. Or you could just say "fuck it" and take an F like a badass.

 

 

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