ISU Professor Gives Fewer F*cks Than Students

author-pic at Illinois State University  

An Illinois State University professor was spotted celebrating an ordinary Monday chugging pitchers last night, subsequently, he cancelled class for today. He’s known across campus as the professor who gives fewer fucks than his students.

Roger Jenkins is a finance professor at ISU. He has been tenured for over five years and is sure to let his students know that. His RateMyProfessor review reads like confessions in a bathroom stall.

“Jenkins is such a badass. I learned nothing in his class, but I got to party with him!” one anonymous user wrote.

“Jenkins might as well teach drinking instead of finance. I swear to god I’ve spotted him at Pub,” another student confessed.

Jenkins takes his reputation seriously, viewing it as a type of challenge to see how little of a fuck he can possibly give in a semester. Toward finals week, he routinely outdoes himself—night, after night, after night.

On Wednesday afternoon, Jenkins was spotted on the street toting a case of Budweiser, occasionally stopping to smash two cans over his head in a Stone Cold Steve Austin fashion and pouring the frothy beer down his gullet.

When chased by ISUPD (and several irate squirrels), Jenkins chanted, “CATCH ME IF YOU CAN!” before sprinting down the street, tossing out beer cans to adoring fans.

Jenkins stopped by Brewe-Ha’s for another pitcher as part of his “warm up,” as he calls it. Then, he trotted back to Pub to induce continue drinking.

“I sneak extra rum into these pitchers! Plus, I bring my own jumbo straws!” he yelled over the blaring music. “And I wear an eyepatch because only pirates drink rum! ARRRGH!”

After several rounds of double fisting pitchers and spilling them mostly on the ground, Jenkins posed for some pictures with current students, forcing them to buy him shots or “fail the class, twerps!”

Jenkins concluded his night out by puking in a recycling bin and stopping by D.P. Dough for some sustenance. 

Around 4 a.m., Jenkins sent out an email to his Tuesday class that read:

“Deer class

I will nit be in claas today. I am to sick to work please read ch 13 for toosays class

Jenky”

Elated students decided to celebrate cancelled class in the only way they know how: drinking.

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