The Official Drunk Review of All Things NAU

author-pic at Northern Arizona  

NAU has always been a great place for some old fashion quality drinking and drunks have been ingrained in the culture of this Podunk town for well over a century. So, in the great spirits of crippling alcohol addiction and the destruction of our livers, The Black Sheep sloppily presents to you our drunk review of NAU.

 The Health and Learning Center:

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Number of Hot Girls Willing to Sleep with You: 0

Number of Classes You’ve Had Here: One and it was English, for some reason

Chances of a Machine Being Open in the Gym at 5 PM: No

Overall Grade: D-

Cline Library:

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Amount of Time Spent Here: 7 seconds (and then 40 hours during finals)

Number of Times You Realized You Chose the Wrong Major: 4,745

Number of Computers Slower than Fat Legless Babies: 70

Overall Grade: 4/9

NAU Bb Learn:

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Number of Times Shut Down: Yes

How Often Teachers Update Grades: No

Amount of times going to Bb Learn when you meant to go to LOUIE: Always + 7

Overalls are Great: 76%

Lumberjack Football:

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Number of Times Beaten by ASU: Yes, harder Daddy, harder.

Number of Times the Stadium was Sold Out: HA!

Amount of Fucks Given About the Cheerleaders: -7,234,123,764,654,890.6

Over All Gays: Meh/6

NAU PD:

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Chances of Ruining Your Dorm Drinking: 77/1

Times Seen While Walking Around Very Very High: Don’t look, DON’T LOOK.

Amount of “Safety” Enforced: I don’t think safe.

Oder Y’all Say: J/ 23.0

Rita Cheng:

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Chances She’s a Lizard Person in Disguise: Not a despise or a disguise. 

Amount of Puppies Drowned in Her Bathtub: 756 (all Labradogs)

Number of Buildings Still Yet to be Built: More the infiniti

Hodor Will Stay: 7 sheep and Demi Lovato

NAU in General:

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Chances You’ll Graduate in 4 Years: like 20% if you count all the hats

Number of STD’s You’ll Catch: Crabs don’t bite, they pinch

Chances of Being Stabbed at Some Point: OW!! WTF?!

Underdone Steak: Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams/911

Why does it snow in Arizona? WHY?: