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We Review Maktub Verte Absinthe So You Don’t Have to

You’ve probably heard a thing or two about absinthe, and if you’ve ever thought about buying it in the states, don’t, because it’s not the real stuff. But if you’ve got $200 lying around, you can score some Maktub Verte Absinthe and trust us, it’s some primo shit. Before you know it, you’ll be deciphering wingdings font and having a heart-to-heart with your mini fridge.

Grade: (ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧

Smells like:
The entire Dark Side of the Moon album played backwards.

Tastes like:
Licorice that’s been dipped in LSD and sprinkled with bath salts.

Typical Drinkers:

– Your imaginary friend that you had while growing up.

– Anyone on the guest list for one of Gatsby’s parties.

– That crazy person on public transit that has heated debates with themselves.

– People who spend thousands of dollars on ‘art’ that a blind 5-year-old could’ve drawn.

– Gypsy folk.

User comments:

– “Guys, this dragon is assuring me that the absinthe hasn’t kicked in yet.”

– “Why yes Mr. Oak Tree, you do make a very good point about the geopolitics of China.”

– “The new world order is upon us and our reptilian overlords will not be merciful.”

– “I’M SO F***ING WOKE RIGHT NOW!”

Best described as a drink superior to:
Alcohols that are non-hallucinogenic (i.e. all of them.)

What makes absinthe so wild?:
Thujone, a ketone that’s…alright let’s not kid ourselves. We don’t know exactly why it’s so wild but it just is ok?

Why not just buy drugs?:
We’re not going to fall for that one. Nice try, DEA.

What your mini-fridge would say to you after you drank this:
“I just get really upset when you use and treat me like property. You come and go, slamming my doors and stealing my food. Like, why can’t you just stop by to say hi or put a pretty picture on me?

We mixed it with:
Nothing, because we’re not ready to die just yet.

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