Small redhead Colleen McManus has made the fear-driven decision to stay in on this St. Patrick’s Day, she told reporters earlier today. The decision was made after weeks of careful consideration and reflection upon past St. Patrick’s Days, all of which ended in several hours of casual stereotyping and groan-worthy joking.
McManus said she has been harassed every St. Patrick’s Day since she was born by people who insist that she is a leprechaun. Statistics show that this harassment is directly proportional to the amount of Guinness that abusers have consumed.
Abuses have included unsolicited hair touching, strangers insisting upon posing for pictures, kidnapping, and demeaning phrases such as, “Where’re your lucky charms you leprechaun idiot?”
McManus recalled one instance from when she was a freshman at UD. McManus was attending a frat party with some friends when she was spotted by a frat brother working the music.
“He looked me in the eye; I saw something sinister. Suddenly he cut the music and announced that there was a ‘wee li’l lass’ in the house,” explained McManus. The brother then put on a Dropkick Murphy’s song while partygoers lifted McManus into the air and crowdsurfed her about the basement.
The abuse has only escalated during McManus’ time at Delaware.
“I just can’t bring myself to endure this every March. Last year was really the final straw,” McManus said. “Me and a few friends were walking to a dage and we all had beers in our hands.”
Fighting back tears, she continues:
“An officer pulled over next to us and gave out citations to all of my friends. When he got up to me though he just entered into a fit of hysterical laughter. He asked me if I had gotten lost on the trail to my pot of gold in the voice that people normally use when they talk to pets. Then he just got back into his cruiser and drove off, still laughing.”
“I am not considered equal in the eyes of the law,” she stated, firmly.