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Tales from Uptown Bars as told by Oxford Bartenders

As you can imagine, soberly overseeing a bunch of drunk Miamians on a nightly basis might lead to some memorable stories. Sure there are fights, crying girls and the occasional puke-chain… but what about the more, shall we say “strange” things that happen at Miami bars? Lucky for you the bartenders and bouncers of Oxford were willing to share some stories, and we’re here to give you a few tips and tricks to avoid said issues for when you might inevitably run into them.

 

ISSUE: Identification Station
Gabby, who works the door at Brick Street, claims that a lot of people forewarn that their I.D. is real — even before fondling for it in their wallets. Or people risk it by questioning why it is considered fake once it’s been denied. One guy in particular visits Brick every Saturday, without fail, and starts a commotion as to why his I.D. — the same one he used last time — is considered fake.

 

ADVICE: C’mon man, your I.D. is fake because you ordered it from China. Plus when questioned what part of Pennsylvania from you answered, “ya know, in the middle…Pen…sylvaniatown.” If the bartender is giving you back your plastic you have two choices: walk in and enjoy the night after sloppily licking those “X’s” off, or just venture to another bar. Be thankful the night and your alternate persona are still yours.

 

ISSUE: The Sleeping Beauty
According to Nick the Doorman at Pachinko, they are required to do a nightly scan at the end of the night in the bathrooms. On one particular evening, there was a girl who decided to call it a night on the toilet. They tried a few times to wake up the dozing damsel, and finally, after many an attempt she sheepishly grabbed her belongings and scurried home. 

 

ADVICE: We get it. You were looking for a nap me up and wanted to get back at it eventually, just need to rest your eyes for a bit. Few tips, Sleeping Beauty, pregame with a coffee and Baileys and if it’s too late in the game for a cup o’joe, take a friend to the bathroom with you. Or at least set an alarm. No prince is going to want to kiss you when your sloppy tequila face is supplanted to the toilet rim.

 

ISSUE: Hol(e)y grail
Da’rique, a bartender at Brick Street, witnessed two guys each ordering two trashcans apiece. One of the guys proceeded to rip a knife out of his pocket, much to the bartender’s surprise. He assured the bartender it was fine and then punctured the bottom of his cups and shotgunned his drinks. His friend followed suit.

 

ADVICE: What’s the rush, man? Maybe see if they have straws first? If not, surely the doorman would be more comfortable with you coming in with a beer bong than, you know, a weapon. Next time that happens you might not be so lucky, plus, how about you just chill out a little. The more you pace yourself the longer into the night you’ll last… like sex!

 

ISSUE: Shots fired
Da’Rique retold of the time two guys came into the bar BEFORE NOON on a Saturday. They were the only ones there, as expected when the morning rush at First Stop is still going on. The two guys each ordered two trashcans apiece and requested they be poured into shot glasses. Each fired 15 shots and left without a word.

 

ADVICE: Perhaps you’re trying to make it before the Beat the Clock crowd? Ever heard of a mimosa, guys? However, this was pretty clever — a trashcan contains more alcohol than the usual shot, therefore it is financially wise to have it distributed into shots. But, yano, maybe just take a few as shots instead of a whooping 15. Pace yo’selves before you race yo’selves.

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