The 5 Types of People at Every Clemson Tailgate
If you’re a true American you already know how imperative football is to our planet. This sport makes the moon revolve around the Earth, subsequently affecting the tides, animal behavior, and vampire meet ups, among other things. Here at Clemson University, we take our earthly duty seriously, and Clemson football fans and tailgaters have the pre-game ritual down pat regardless of kickoff time. The Black Sheep has compiled a list of the truly dedicated:
The Guy Who’s Been There Since 8 a.m.:
By game time he’s had so much to drink he can no longer stand up on his own. This dude is a frat bro, and he and his buddies have been rallying since that party they went to the night before. He survives exclusively off beer and shots and is surprisingly good at keg stands. He may or not make it to the game, but you have to admit he’s the most dedicated Tiger fan out there.
The Cougar Mom Who Flirts with Students: She’s past her prime, but wants to feel young again. This mom is attractive in a way that you can tell she was once Homecoming Queen, and she knows it. Winks are her signature move, and she’s an avid dancer. When “Wobble” comes on, she’ll grind up on you until you’re not sure if you’re into it or afraid.
That One Person Who Only Cares About the Tailgate Snacks: They didn’t actually bring any food to share with the rest of the tailgate. This person will be very sly at the buffet table, choosing to fill a plate when no one else is looking, because they don’t want anyone to know they were too lazy to contribute. They probably “forgot” to eat breakfast, too.
Sorostitutes Who Dress to the Nines Despite the Weather: Scorching heat, snow flurries, and rainforest humidity don’t faze them: every hair’s in place and liquid eyeliner is pre-applied. These girls travel in packs, choosing the “strength in numbers” method of tailgating. They all claim they’re into the game, but don’t actually know the rules of football. For them, tailgating is all about getting the perfect pic for a new Instagram post.
The Dad Who Knows All: This guy is familiar with all the players, old and new, along with individual and team stats, and has to educate EVERYONE at the tailgate about it. He’s an old school Clemson fan, probably even an alumnus, and he really knows his stuff. He can pull true statistics out of his ass, and he’ll corner you by the poker table and make you listen to him just to prove it.