5 Things at CU Your Old Senior Ass Can’t Handle Anymore

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It’s pretty easy to tell the underclassmen from, well, everyone else on Earth. They’ve all got some degree of that dumbass twinkle in their eyes; a twinkle that they will soon discover is just a shorted fuse, not a guiding light. Not to say that you’re not as fun as you used to be (but TBH, you’re not), you’re just… different. Maybe you enjoy drinking eight glasses of wine that isn’t Franzia and watching Law & Order in sweats instead of getting wasted with a bunch of half-naked and fully drunk strangers at the candy shop. (Breath.) It’s OK. You’re growing up. Whether you’re actually getting to the end of your college days or you’re just young and over it, here are a few underclassmen CU staples that you should probably avoid.

5.) The Hill Crawl:
We all know it, we’ve all done it, and we certainly aren’t about to willingly do it ever again. LOL, remember when you had nowhere to go on a Saturday night and your friend was like, “Don’t worry, we’ll just get drunk and walk around, there are parties, like, everywhere.” Well tike, that isn’t really how it works. There better be a bumpin’ and well air-conditioned party with ample snacks and at least one dog present for you to drag your old, jaded bones all the way to Grandview. Freshman boys literally base their entire social lives on the misguided idea that they can meet some girls and somehow slip into the party. That has never worked, that girl who went in without you isn’t going to meet up with you later.

4.) Beer-soaked frat basements along Pleasant:
Just face it, you’re not the ride or die hoe you used to be. Back in the good ol’ days you could walk into an unfinished basement lit only by the reflection of the blue DJ booth reflecting off of hundreds of sweaty bodies, a terrible remix to a Top 100 track blaring at an ungodly decibel, guys seemingly attached to girls’ butts in a phenomenon that bears a shocking resemblance to ~butt stuff~ and think to yourself, “Now this is a good time.” Now you walk into Press Play on a Friday night and complain about how crowded it is (it’s not that crowded). You’re a real class act now. You drink $15.00 handles instead of $10.00 handles and wear a cool leather jacket instead of a leather lace-up bustier. Go you.

3.) The 7:30 a.m. glo-up:
If this is still your thing cuz, ya know, “look good feel good” or some shit like that, you do you. When people comment on how put-together and presentable you look today, for the love of God don’t say, “Oh haha, it’s just like, what I do.” Say thank you and shut the fuck up. But if you’re one of the many who has deduced that you’re most likely not going to meet your next lover in an early morning geography recitation, that’s ok too. CU students do some of their best learning when they’re looking’ ugly as hell and they just want to go home and smoke a bowl. Your concealer will never slide off your face on an 80 degree October walk to Humanities if you don’t wear any!

2.) The university grind:
Fucking education. Ugh, why do we have to learn so much? Why do these teachers think we care? Why do we have to do this dumb group project that probably won’t get done until the night before anyway? Why is everyone here so privileged? Back when you were new to all this and your empty brain was just thirsting for knowledge, it was all a bit easier. Teachers assumed we were all dumb, cramming was, like, your specialty and you only had to sleep for ~five hours. Oh, and the anxiety of an uncertain future and a downtrodden economy weren’t hanging over your head like that annoying clicking noise your ceiling fan makes when it’s cold out. Oh my God, does this teacher not get that I have four other classes and so much to do this week??? Sorry sweetie, but your teacher is literally paid not to care.

1.) Sweaty Saturdays:
To the grumpy upperclassmen, the idea of waking up at 8 a.m. on the only not-horrible day of the week to take Fireball shots and look cute just to stand around and sweat your balls off at a tailgate is cringe worthy. Like hello, we all have second day hair from the shower we couldn’t take this morning, and gold is not exactly flattering against a dehydrated complexion. Doing anything this quickly makes us old farts grumpy, and standing for multiple hours and squinting to see how much we’re losing by sounds exhausting. Sko Buffs? Not today.

Nothing like some good clean pessimism to get your week off to a great start, right? You may be old and experienced here, but don’t worry — once you graduate, you’ll be inexperienced and dumb again. It’s a never-ending cycle that’s fun, right? So accept your inner 40-year-old if ya got it, and celebrate your inner drunk asshole if ya got that. We’ll all get old and die eventually.

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