Natural Progression of a DePaul Freshman’s Friday Night
Ah yes, the little naive freshman comes to college, ready to leave their sheltered life behind and go fucking nuts. We’re talking beer pong, nudity, and late nights; at least that was the expectation, but you went to DePaul…and DePaul is known for not living up to expectations! The phenomenon of a DePaul freshman’s late night social life is unique, special, and unlike any other, so we at The Black Sheep have created a step-by-step map to display the process of an average DePaul freshman looking for something to do on a Friday night.
First stop — the dorm:
Since the expectation is that you’re going to get trashed tonight, pre-gaming is a necessity, so you take it slow. Starting off at the dorm, popping back some peach-flavored Svedka, or if you’re really fancy…some Fireball. Then you pour that crap into a water bottle and take it to go!
Next stop — try to get into a bar:
Next stop, the bar scene! So you didn’t join Greek life? You are definitely too cool for that shit, and have a completely different method for getting obliterated. No worries! The bars are where the cool cats hang out. You get all dressed up, in your oldest looking clothesboobs out, dicks out, fake IDs out―only to get DENIED. Sorry, this is Chicago, not some middle-of-nowhere state school! If you want to get in, you gotta at least put out.
Third stop — random addresses:
So, you’ve surrendered to the Greek life that you’ve so long opposed. An address here, an address there, all from random acquaintances of yours… but you have to check it out! This is when you’ll go through the familiar cycle: you start your expedition, walking high and low, only to find that the address you’ve journeyed too is fake. That’s right, dead! You can’t rely on Jenny from math class for shit! So you try the next, all while still being a little tipsy from that cheap vodka, only to find it’s a frat party… and they’ve “reached their capacity” (of douche bags). Now it’s on to the final address. Billy from your WRD class better not fuck this up! You just walked to the whole other end of town just to find out that this party is full of old people who you’ve never seen before. GOD DAMMIT, BILLY!
Fourth stop — Jonquil Park:
So now the desperation has truly set in. You, the DePaul freshman, think to yourself, “maybe I’m not cut out for this drinking life.”So, you head over to Jonquil Park and dip your toes into the stoner scene. The DePaul stoners are always inviting, but you realize that you’re too much of a little bitch to live up to the DePaul stoner status. You also realize that you’re here on a scholarship and can’t afford that “good good.”
Final destination — Clarke’s Diner
Last stop! You’ve given up all hope and decided to create your own party at Clarke’s. So you get a burger, take out that sad water bottle filled with alcohol and pour it into your diet coke, and reconsider your college choice (again)!
If your night falls within this map, don’t be too discouraged-you can always join Greek life! They love to get naked.
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