The Ultimate Fat Daddy’s Survival Guide

author-pic at University of Florida  

If you’re reading this, chances are you either have been, are about to, or are interested in going to Fat Daddy’s. As the late, great Notorious B.I.G. once said, “I been in this game for years, it made me an animal. There’s rules to this shit, I wrote the manual.” And that’s exactly what this is, so get out that notebook your mom bought you and take notes:

Step 1: Avoid the Line at All Costs:

The first part of any night at Fat’s is the worst and possibly the longest: waiting in line. It’s not uncommon for it to be wrapped around the side of the building to the front doors of the neighboring businesses. So, call that Uber early or make sure your friend who’s studying for an exam tomorrow knows that you want to be dropped off before the rush really hits. If worst come to worst, there’s a sliding window on the side of the building that would make an excellent entry point for anyone drunk enough to try and get through.

Step 2: Don’t Be Afraid To Push:

The overwhelming mixture of alcohol, sweaty bodies, and way too loud of music that hits you immediately is almost too good to be true, but it isn’t for the faint of heart. Being only a single room with three bars, there is generally isn’t any room to stand, let alone walk. Don’t be deterred though, the only way on is through. Just make sure to act like you’re more important and push through anyone in your way, this way you’ll blend right in. Head straight for the bar, this is not an environment that you want to start sobering up in.

Step 3: Order a Slushy:

Once you’ve fought your way to the front of the bar line, there is only one thing to do: order a slushy. Nothing tastes as good, makes your puke look as cool, or ensures as awful of a hangover slurping down one of these bad boys. They have a variety of flavors and you are allowed to mix them if you choose. If you’re feeling a little extra ~school spirit~, go for a blue and orange slushy.

Step 4: Tip your bartender:

Most of the employees at Fat’s are college kids just like you, except they’re working on Friday night instead rubbing their drunk, sweaty body on strangers. The least you can do is throw them a dollar for deciphering your drunken slur of a drink order through the blaring sounds of .

Step 5: Find a cheap Uber to relieve you of this place:

Ubers are cheap (unless you yack in them, then they are $200) so never drive home. Plus, there’s always the chance that you’ll meet a soft 6 in the backseat of that hot Uber pool. Not only are you saving money, but you’re also match making. Sounds like a win-win.

Now you have all the tools you need to not end up in a gutter, the police station, or worse, Midtown Social. Either way, that half a fifth of tequila, and all those margs you killed at the pregame will help. Oh well, it’ll be a hell of a night no matter what.

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