UMN Timely Warning System to Begin Reporting Party Fouls
In an ongoing effort to crack down on lame bullshit across campus, the Department of Public safety issued a notice early last week stating that its much utilized Timely Warning System will now include all manners of party fouls on the record of reported crimes. Intended to address recent spikes in both on and off-campus party crime, the decision has made waves through the likes of frat row, being lauded by some as “very chill,” yet decried by others as “not very chill at all.”
“I’m just glad they’re finally doing something about it,” said sophomore Alpha Delta Phi brother, Brett Spencer. “All these alerts get reported and sent out but no one ever says anything about Cody pissing on the coffee table. It’s about time the police got involved.”
On campus, party misconduct has been steadily rising with record numbers of individuals being reported as taking beer pong seriously, pocketing lighters, and puking in the goddamn bathtub.
While the system does have its supporters, others have been vocal about their objections. “Listen I know about the situation with Cody,” said senior Beta Theta Pi brother Caleb Carson. “But if everyone got the police called on them for pissing in the bushes, I’d probably be on a terrorist watch list right now.”
In a press conference, program director for the Office of Greek Life, James Hermann, went on record stating, “Ultimately all we want is for students to be as safe as possible, and if that means publicly shaming Chad for fucking in my parents’ bed, then so be it. Now are you gonna rip this or what?” Shen pushed for further comment, Hermann would only insist, between violent bong hits, that the decision is “for the best” and that “this is just tobacco.”
The Party Foul Warning System is currently in a testing phase, and while its impact ultimately remains to be seen, students have been encouraged to spread chill vibes and good times either way.