Booze Review: Four Loko Green Tornado Shots

author-pic at Northwestern University  

Your parents probably thought that 2017 would be the year of flying cars, but instead we’ve got a megalomaniac serving as the leader of the free world and we’re taking shots of Four Loko Green Tornado. We’ve superseded traditional beverage flavors, and we’re now drinking goddamn natural disasters.

Grade: D+

Smells Like:
A green apple that’s been left on the stove of a trap house.

Tastes Like:
Your internal organs find themselves in the eye of a tornado and FEMA’s not coming anytime soon to save you, surprisingly.

Typical Drinkers:
– People who do not heed government official’s advice to evacuate their homes.

– Four Loko enthusiasts who are all about efficiency.

– Your dad, who just learned about memes and the dab.

– People who are still amused by what it sounds like when you hold your tongue and say “apple.”

– That one kid from your high school who cheated on the ACT and still managed to somehow only score a 15.

User Comments:
– “’Because no great night started with cider?’ More like ‘no train wreck of a night has started with anything other than Four Loko.’”

– “Oh jeez, I feel my life expectancy going down just at the thought of this abomination.”

– “See, back in my day we had to shotgun Four Lokos…you kids don’t know how good you have it.”

– “Ok but how did they bottle up an actual tornado? Has science gone too far?”

Best Described as a Drink Superior To:
Licking the floors of a gas station bathroom, but that’s probably where you’ll end up after drinking this.

What’s Four Loko Going To Do Next?:
The next logical step seems to be to start injecting a Four Loko formula directly into people’s DNA.

In All Seriousness, What Are We Going To Do About North Korea?:
We’ve devised a plan to keep making puns with Kim Jong-Un’s name until he Kim Jong-Understands how much of a cock he’s being.

We Mixed it With:
A canister of whippits, a few paint chips and a house arrest ankle monitor.