The Top 5 Drunken Eateries in South Bend, Indiana

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Ardent devotees of nutrition and physiology will all say the same thing when questioned after five or six PBR tallboys and a Kirkland-brand tequila double shot: drunk calories don’t count. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be choosy in what to put in your food-hole after 1 a.m. Here are the top 5 places in South Bend (read: within a half-mile radius of campus) to get your grub on while you attempt to NOT puke in the restaurant’s bathroom.

Honorable mention: Chipotle

Obviously Chipotle can’t occupy a real place on this list as it closes at 10p.m.—and can we collectively appreciate the gigantic swinging nuts of Chipotle brass to make that judgment call? Other businesses on Eddy are national chains as well, but they alter their hours to make sure they cash in on that sweet sautéed moolah. Not Chipotle. Those darkened doors stare you down as you get out of your Uber as if to say, “We don’t need your money, drunk fatty, we do enough of a roaring trade in the daytime. See you at 6 when you pretend to be civilized.” And, by god, they will. They fucking will. God love you, Chipotle.

5.) Jimmy John’s:

To be frank? On this list due to the fact that “Top 5” sounds a hell of a lot better than “Top 4,” or “Let’s go to Jimmy John’s.” If your friend sincerely utters that after a night of imbibing, skip the hospital and go straight to see Linda Blair’s priest. You’re dealing with evil on par with year-old Quiznos bread and roasted cat meat.

4.) Five Guys:

Serving up perhaps the most delicious food on Eddy but oh, lordy, at what cost? If you just want a burger, fine, you’re probably still running in the 8-dollar range. You want fries? You want a shake? Not if you also want your kids to go to college, piggy. You could get robbed at a craps table in Vegas by Bernie Madoff and still come out better than after hitting Five Guys on a drunken, empty stomach.

3.) Taco Bell in LaFortune:

More appealing to people on campus, sure, but there’s a reason there’s a line stretching to the Anthony travel agency (why does that exist?) on weekend nights. Taco Bell is known for its near-nonexistent prices, and when your currency is imaginary-used-to-be-my-parents’-mortgage-payment-money, AKA flex points, you can get enough cheese and shell to kill a small rhinoceros. Dig in and try to avoid eye contact with your freshman year SYR date.

2.) Blaze Pizza:

Don’t think we don’t notice you hiking up the price of a build-your-own, Blaze. Don’t think that’s gonna stop us from coming, either. For now, this is still the best deal in town. At one flat rate you can get every topping from ovalini mozzarella to your mother’s homemade chocolate chip cookies. Pile that pie good and you’ll have food for a week—or five minutes, depending on your level of existential dread.

1.) Nick’s Patio:

The thinking man’s restaurant. The lunch table where only the cool kids are allowed. The Isles of the Blest, if the ground of said archipelago were made of house croissants. Nick’s glory will put a bit more of a dent in your pocket simply for payment of service—tip your fucking waitstaff, people—but it’s well worth it to sit down and collect your weary bones/gut at the end of a tumultuous night. It’s impossible to get bad food or to have a bad time—unless, of course, you end up in the single-person bathroom recreating a Jimmy John’s experiment gone right.