5 Ways Bring Bull’s to the Beach this Summer
We’re all ready to get back to OSU. However, summer doesn’t seem to be ending anytime soon, so it’s time to get creative. Instead of returning to an empty campus, the next best option is to bring that OSU lifestyle with you wherever you go. Here are some of the best ways to use the skills you harnessed in everyone’s favorite bar (Bullwinkle’s, obviously) to become king of the beach. You’ll be a real Hasselhoff.
5.) Dress For Success:
You’d be surprised how much overlap exists between your go-to going out outfit and beach attire. Guys, for once wearing your leather boat shoes is appropriate (as you’ll be marginally close to some boats, probably). That Hawaiian shirt you love so much can finally be stylish again, and as a bonus, you won’t get thrown out of the beach when you decide to rip it off. And don’t forget those sunglasses that make a weekly appearance at The O. Surprisingly, people only call you a “douche” when you’re wearing them indoors.
4.) Drink Some Salt Water:
Okay, just hear us out. Squint your eyes really, really tight, and with a little imagination, that murky seawater suddenly becomes one of Bull’s signature overpriced bombs. It’ll basically be the same quality and consistency as whatever Orloff/Kamchatka combo they’re pouring for you.
3.) Get Really Really Sweaty:
Now that you’re lookin’ sharp and getting a little tipsy (ehhem, dehydrated) it’s time to finish off the authentic Bull’s look with a nice, thick layer of sweat. Good news for you: it’ll be even easier to achieve on the beach! Instead of vigorously gyrating in a dark cesspool like we’re used to, you just need to sit in the sun for a few minutes and it’ll do most of the work for you. Nice, right? Some extra gyrating couldn’t hurt though.
2.) Snag Some Ladies:
You’ve mastered the prep work, but now it’s time for the real deal. Using your Bull’s seduction strategy– the one that works approximately one-twentieth of the time but you try anyway– it’s time to awkwardly stand within eyeshot of any nearby woman in the hope that one of them will be interested in you. Don’t worry about saying anything; the silence speaks volumes. Sway your hips to the sound of the waves crashing in lieu of the usual “Yeah” by Usher, and do not break eye contact. They’ll pick up on the cues eventually!
1.) Break Shit:
So you struck out. It didn’t work this time, just like it hasn’t worked the other 18 times you’ve tried. The downside of being on the beach is that you can’t immediately try your luck at upstairs Midway. Now it’s time to release your pent up sexual frustration the only other way any OSU student knows how: breaking things. The upside of being on the beach? That mom-you-just-tried-to-pick-up’s son has been working on a sand castle this whole time. No better way to show her what she missed out on by stomping on her kid’s sandy dreams. You can try again tomorrow, as long as you make sure to find a new section of the beach to prowl.
So live the true Bullwinkle’s experience no matter where you end up this summer. The only thing missing is the massive mechanical Bull head. Hopefully it’s enough to tide you over until the fall. If not, we’ve heard Austrian bathhouses are basically the same deal.
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