7 Common OU Problems And How to Solve Them, the Athens Way

author-pic at Ohio University  

So many students let schoolwork get in the way of their drinking that it sometimes seems OU isn’t actually a party school at all. New problems arise every day, forcing us to consult advice on the best places to have a mental breakdown on campus.  The Black Sheep understands that it’s hard to balance school and social activities, and we’re here to help. Here are 7 common college problems and their appropriate Athens solution. 

7.) Issue: You’re running out of food and losing a lot of weight due to stress:
Solutions: Drink several pitchers of beer each night, gain the calories back via alcohol. Scavenge for squirrel meat on College Green. Drink the remnants of protein shakes from the beefy dudes at Ping.

6.) Issue: Your roommate isn’t doing their part to clean your shared spaces:
Solutions: Use a chainsaw to split everything you share in half and then only clean your half. Respond like Roderick McDavis and lease a $1.2 million house to live in the rest of the year. Lobotomize and bury your roommate at The Ridges.

5.) Issue: Your grades are slipping into the eternal pits of Hell:
Solutions: Dig your way to Hell through the former water main break sinkhole and salvage your grades. Become the human embodiment of Satan through hangriness. Bribe your professors with their favorite uptown shot choice.

4.) Issue: You haven’t had clean clothes in ages:
Solutions: Attend every single Ohio University event possible and collect free clothing items. Go to the costume shop on Court Street and finally try out your lifelong dream look of overalls. Burn your dirty clothes in the dumpsters behind Court Street Diner, then cover yourself in ashes.

3.) Issue: You can’t afford to shower at your off-campus house anymore because you’re broke:
Solutions: Sneak into one of the new dorms on South Green with brand new showers. Bathe with water bottles you collected from the water main break incident. Actually go to Ping and shower there.

2.) Issue: Your ass hasn’t been wiped in weeks because you don’t have time to buy toilet paper:
Solutions: Go to Alden and steal toilet paper. Go to Baker and steal toilet paper. Only poop in academic buildings. Eat a more fibrous diet inspired by the squirrels.

1.) Issue: You can’t afford food:
Solutions: Attend university-hosted events and take their food. Steal a freshman’s ID card and pose as them at Boyd Dining Hall. Dress up as a groundhog on West Green and beg for bananas.

No matter what problem your life at OU throws at you, The Black Sheep’s got you covered. Well… except legally.

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