A Ranking of State College’s Bars Determined By Conduciveness to Bathroom Selfies

author-pic at Penn State University  

On a two-night journey across downtown State College, we bravely set out to find which bars are worth the lines and covers, and which will be demoted to mere landmarks, like that statue in front of the Cata station of a guy who looks like he’s wearing Beats. In the olden days, people relied on bars for beer, political discourse, and picking up wenches. Now that we have social media, though, the point of going to bars is to Snapchat in the bathroom so that everyone knows (thinks) you have a social life. Where are the best places to do it? We thought you’d never ask.

8.) Local Whiskey:

The lighting in this bar’s bathroom is so atrocious that we couldn’t bear to show our faces, as there are obviously no equally unflattering pictures of either of us on the internet. However, shout-out to Local for the cleanliness and quietness of this bathroom—perfect for mental breakdowns that leave you silently sobbing on the floor because bae left you. Also, the tiles in the bathroom high-key resemble the tiles in the Ministry of Magic in Harry Potter, so that’s pretty cool, if you’re into witchcraft, wizardry and the book series that formed an entire generation.

7.) Zeno’s:

As you can see, Zeno’s bathrooms present the perfect opportunity to take spooky pics on Halloween. Truthfully, the lighting will also make you look spooky on days that aren’t Halloween, so take heed. An unexpected perk of this bathroom is that there is a secret escape route! So, your pictures might be ass but at least you can run up a staircase and out the door onto College Ave. when you don’t want to face the creepers drinking craft beers at the bar.

 

6.) Pickle’s:

One of the best things about Pickle’s is that depending on the night, you’ll encounter a completely different crowd, as Country Night, Trivia Night, and Summer Hits of the 2000s Night draw a different demographic. One of the worst things about Pickle’s is their bathrooms are almost entirely unconducive to selfies, as proven by our attempt.

 

5.) Champs (Downtown):

If you’re Kendall Jenner and you look flawless at all hours of the day, the sun-like lighting in the Champs bathroom is the perfect way to remind everyone else how comparatively ugly they are. If you, like us, are not a runway model, you might want to don some sunglasses in the bathroom, or employ a Snapchat filter before taking selfies. These bathrooms are brand new and trendy AF (although often out of toilet paper), so the sunglasses won’t look as out of place as you’d think.

 

4.) Primanti’s:

Primanti’s is a huge bar, and with a huge bar comes a huge crowd in the women’s bathroom. Despite this fact, P-man only has two bathroom stalls, and always has a bathroom line. Do they think this is a game? Anyway, this means that any mirror pics you try to take there will likely feature an unwarranted cameo by a stranger who’s just trying to wash her hands in drunken peace. This isn’t a huge loss, though, because the mirrors are too small, and the lighting is simultaneously too dim from a distance and too bright up close.

 

3.) The Phyrst:

This bathroom is surprisingly polished for serving the excremental needs of the stone-walled, picnic table and french-fry-filled dungeon that is The Phyrst. The location of the bathroom is also prime because it only sits a few feet away from the stage where the bands play. Thus, after taking some mirror pics and much needed beer shits in relatively flattering lighting, you can return to the dancefloor unencumbered, and sway to the band’s rendition of Third Eye Blind’s “Jumper.”

 

2.) Sharkies:             

What every selfie needs is some pizazz—something that sets it apart from all the other pictures of you taken from the same angle, making the same face, with the same, most flattering Insta filter applied. Look no further than Sharkies’ bathrooms for the perfect selfie background featuring so many drunken instances of graffiti that it looks like the generic serial killer’s lair in crime shows. This is art! And your mirror pic will be, too.

 

1.) The Brewery:

There’s one thing we can all agree that Brew excels at other than making Dirty Ashtray Shots—maintaining the perfect bathroom for selfies. The people in Brew might not be the cleanest, but, by some miracle, their bathrooms are. The patchwork of grout and stucco reflected in the mirror make the perfect backdrop for your edgiest duckface, and you can still hear the band through the dangerously spring-wired swinging wooden doors. Added style points for featuring the dish soap they provide as hand soap in your selfies.

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