A Freshman’s Guide to Penn State Hangovers
You’ve finally settled in as a Penn Stater, and it’s been all fun and games until you woke up after a night out. Now your squeaky dorm bed in East is the only place you ever want to be. When this dreaded moment strikes, have no fear, this guide will tell you exactly how to not only handle that evil hangover, but enjoy it, too.
Choose the Right Bathroom:
You may already be in a bathroom after falling asleep there the night before, but, if not, your stomach is already pointing you in that direction. While a dorm bathroom in North suites or Renovated East is convenient, it doesn’t have those automatic toilets that flush every single time you move and is entirely too spacious. Automatic flushing is perfect when you get a second tasting of last night’s Yallah Taco. Starting your day by puking your guts out over a constantly flushing toilet? Yes, please!
Listen to Old Main’s Bells:
There’s no better sound when you’re horribly hungover than cheerful ringing that can be heard all over campus. Your head already feels like you’ve been tackled by entire football team repeatedly, so why not make it better with some dinging every fifteen minutes?
Walk Around the HUB:
Who wouldn’t want to spend their hangover in a loud, crowded space? The HUB is a no-brainer. You’ll run into someone and be forced into a conversation, and the food will be perfect for that nausea.
Talk to the Willard Preacher:
You’ve already said to yourself “I’m never drinking again” multiple times today, but The Willard Preacher will be happy to reform you through public shaming. Not only do you have a headache and nausea, but you’re also headed straight for hell! Lucky you!
Pray for Yourself at the Spiritual Center:
Once you know you’re going to hell, you might want to pray for your soul to make up for ingesting the devil’s liquid. Repent for your night of sin while relieving your headache with some quiet time for prayer.
Go to Class:
Your walk to class will be filled with struggling to cross at the Bigler/Curtin intersection and avoiding bikers who will happily run you over, not to mention the fact that eventually you’ll end up having to sit through class. You better be excited.
Ride a Cata Bus:
Bus rides are joyful no matter the circumstances, but, when your hangover has you feeling especially cranky, a scenic journey around campus via the Blue Loop is the perfect way to unwind. Breathe in the B.O. of the guy sitting next to you, savor every bump and turn, and relax to the sweet sounds of the bus driver’s road rage and incessant beeping.
Obviously, we’re not talking about Pattee, because of the comfy chairs that you could sleep in or the quiet atmosphere. No, you’re not even going to be inside. If your stomach feels bad now, wait until you take our advice: keep circling around and around in the revolving door.
Congratulations, you’ve survived a Penn State hangover. Now that you’re cured, we encourage you to get back out there and build up that tolerance.