Booze Review: Backpack Wine

author-pic at University of Pittsburgh  

We decided to up our wine game from the sad box of Franzia and finally try some quality stuff. But we’re not some snobby pigs who want to carry around clunky ass bottles and corkscrews just in the name of getting drunk, so we decided to give Backpack wine a try in hopes of finally finding a way to be classy when we’re getting drunk in the back row of our night class.

Grade: B+

Smells Like:

Your mom after she came home from book club.

Tastes Like:

Someone spiked the Juicy Juice.

Typical Drinkers:

– People who are trying to get more into wine but don’t want to have to know about things like ‘acidity’ and ‘aroma’.

– The kid you’re babysitting who thought it was a fancy Pepsi can.

– Those who don’t like to screw around (with corkscrews).

– Any wino trying to get drunk in class but hasn’t yet found a successful way to sneak in a bottle of wine.

– People who are sick of finding month old half empty bottles of wine at the back of their fridge that they can’t figure out is safe to drink or not.

User Comments:

– “The cans are the perfect size to shove down your pants and sneak 12 into a movie theater.”

– “I feel like I would only need eight of these to have the confidence to steal the golf cart the mascot is always riding around on.”

– “This is going to be a lot easier to crush against my skull than a bottle of wine!”

– “Why did it take till 2016 to get wine in the form of a can?”

Best Described as a Drink Superior To:

Literally anything sold out of a bottle or a box. We can’t wrap our heads around why wine was ever sold in any other form.

Gatsby Would…:

Have served this at his parties and tell people he designed the can himself.

Best Alternative Use:

Shake up the can and see if you can give someone a ‘champagne shower’ with canned pinot. We didn’t test this, we’re writers not science men.

We Mixed it With:

The green flavor of those Sparkling Ice things your mom always has a bunch of in her basement, it tastes really good just trust us.