5 Things UMass Underclassmen Think Happen at The Monkey Bar

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The Monkey Bar: where is it? Downtown Amherst. What is it? A bar. What happens there? It’s hard to say exactly. For years now undergraduates who happen to be friends with upperclassmen have been haunted by stories of the fabled Monkey Bar. It’s the craziest time ever; we’ve all heard. But what really happens there? Here are five things that likely go on at the mecca of fun known as the Monkey Bar.

5.) Drinking, maybe? We don’t know:
Drinking probably happens there. Right? It is a bar after all, isn’t it? Patrons of “the bar” would be 21 or over 21, which is the legal age to drink, and therefore would probably be drinking at the bar. Probably, we think? Whether this is light drinking like you might do on a Monday morning, or heavy drinking like you might do at a funeral, has yet to be determined.

4.) Bars? Do they have those?:
Xanax, known by the kids these days as “bars,” due to their physical shape, are all the rage. They were more all the rage back in the 2000s when it served more of a functional purpose, but they are still very much in vogue. The Monkey Bar is probably dishing them out like candy to all the cool upperclassmen who drink there.

3.) Fingerblasting? People still do that, right?:
While much of news media in the early 2000s centered around the increasingly common and often underrated pleasurable phenomenon of fingerblasting, it definitely went out of style and was replaced by the more inclusive “ass eating”. But does fingerblasting still take place at the Monkey Bar? It has to. Why else would so many seniors report being “fingerblasted right in front of the doorman on a Tuesday while my friends were all puking out the windows of an Uber?” It just doesn’t add up.

2.) Live apes for sure:
The hypothetical stage on which hypothetical live music could be performed at the Monkey Bar, we also believe, could serve as a demonstrative platform for a menagerie of live apes. Why else would it be called the “Monkey Bar” if there were not biweekly performances of semi-nude, scantily clad apes playing around with bananas? What else would people be flocking there for?

1.) Amherst College parties:
There is a lot of controversy surrounding the party scene at Amherst College. One could say that there doesn’t seem to be much of a scene at all. Amherst undergraduates report a seriously troubling lack of enjoyment on the weekends, with most parties ending by 12:30. So, maybe a lot of their students visit there to get their weekly enjoyment? It’s hard to say, honestly.

Maybe one day it’s doors will be open to all, possibly after an executive order from the government that lowers the drinking age. Until then, however, keep drinking in your dorm you puny freshman bitch.

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