UVa’s 2017 Inaugural Drinking Game

author-pic at University of Virginia  

Hey everyone, sad depressed people here. We came up with a drinking game to really make inauguration tolerable. You have to be drunk. But it isn’t fun to just drink to get drunk, it’s only fun if there are bizarre, subjective rules tied to every sip, chug, shot, butt chug, slurp, butt chug, and boof. Here they are:

The Divine:

These are the truly fantastical rules, and they’re the ones most likely to get you fucked the fuck up:

– Every time God smites America, take a shot.
– Every time MLK rolls over in his grave, shotgun a beer.
– Every time the spirit of American democracy fades, like in a time travel movie where Marty McFly becomes a ghost, motorboat the air and chug tequila.
– Every time you feel the shudder of women’s rights progress crawling back into the shadows: take a pull of Burnett’s because we deserve nothing good in this world.
– Every time Mother Nature vomits in anticipation of the sludge these motherfuckers are going to pump into her system: make yourself throw up, you’ll understand more and you can drink longer.

The Coverage:

If you’re watching America’s funeral on the television, drink when these happen:

– The coverage cuts to a protest: take a sip of beer, we’re not trying to kill you.
– A Fox newscaster passive aggressively mentions the democratic congressmen’s boycott of the inauguration.
– A lackluster, obscure celebrity is given a prime entertainment slot on national television: order a drink you’ve never heard of in your life.
– Every time the Chief Justice rolls his eyes during the swearing in: drink thrice.
– Every time an MSNBC host quietly whispers “Christ”: swap drinks with a white liberal man.
– Every time Trump uses the word ‘YUGE’ in a speech kicking off his presidential term, as it is broadcast worldwide: finish a tall boy and start Googling the train schedule so you know when to head out to the tracks.
– Every time Trump insults a disabled individual/foreigner/woman/veteran/civil rights leader: hug the person next to you and help yourself to some vodka.
– Every time he mentions the wall: Smirnoff ice the nearest Hispanic.
– Every time you see it dawn on someone sitting behind Trump that this is real, it isn’t a dream, they aren’t being incepted: drink until you wake up.

The People Around You:

The people around you are going to react to this day. Drink if you see these things:

– Every tear you see shed: take a sip.
– Every person who calls his or her mom distraught: finish your drink.
– Every white man who cheers: punch them in the face, do a shot.

If you’re still alive by the end of Trump’s speech, and the end of this game we’re sorry, we sincerely tried to help.

Isn’t Virginia technically “the south?” Why do we have snow?