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7 Things to Whisper As You Walk by a BC Tour Group

The sun is out in Boston and that can mean only one thing: Crowds of eager Eaglets crowding up the walkways, taking up valuable brainspace, and annoying the hell out of current BC students with their “optimism” and “hope for a lively future.” Want a way to stick it to these prepubescent nuisances? Read on:

7.) “You’re not dressed well enough.”:
The world of BC is a tightly woven one… literally. From North Face jackets to Vineyard Vines Polos straight out of a Great Gatsby lawn party, you have to let these newbies know the score before they show up to a mod wearing a cardboard box. Or worse, sweatpants.

6.) “Newton sounds great, but that’s only because you haven’t been on the bus yet.”:
To some teenage neophytes, Newton might sound like a pretty sweet deal. An entire campus just for you and your fellow froshies to get to know each other without seniors stomping over everything. And it’s all just a quick bus ride away! Yeah, no. One trip on that motorized nightmare will shatter your illusions quickly enough. Let them know before it’s too late.

5.) “Socially, coming here means three shit years and 1 ok one before it all ends.”:
It’s an unfortunate fact that everyone has to endure at least three years on the college shit list, balanced out by one year on top of the pyramid. For guys, it’s a long trudge up the hill from being a powerless, worthless freshman to being an all-powerful senior, in command of their destiny and in possession of a tiny, cramped, glorious Mod. For girls, show time is freshman year; when every BC maiden is flush with innocence and daddy issues. After that, it’s a slow death march until viable male on campus proves to be a toolbag or you just give up and embrace celibacy.

4.) “Don’t believe what they tell you about Mac food.”:
Despite what every single person will tell you on entering, Mac food really isn’t all that terrible. In fact, we’ll let you in on a little secret… IT’S EXACTLY THE SAME AS LOWER. Switch the layout, change how much customization control you’ve got over your grilled chicken, and there isn’t a speck of difference. Plus you’re right above Eagle’s Nest! Which means you can skip the trollop in Mac AND Lower and get some legit decent food.

3.) “When handing in a late paper, factor in the printer wait time.”:
When, like a true Eagle, you’re sprinting to the library to print out a paper the day it’s due, timing is everything. The elevator, the login… everything takes away precious time, which translates to lost GPA and therefore lost quality of life. But never undergo this marathon without knowing you’ll have to wait on line to access a printer first. Since the color printer costs an arm, a leg and the salt of a thousand angels’ tears, everyone gets shunted into the black-and-white line. The rules in this line are simple: you cut, you die. Black-and-white indeed. Remember this well: the extra 5 minutes of snoozing just aren’t worth it.

2.) “When they say we’ve got the #2 best college food in the country, it solely refers to the baked goods…”:
Try to eat General Tso’s chicken without swearing tearstained vengeance on all fried food-dom. Just stick to the Temptations window and maybe a burger here and there.

1.) “If you want a social life, go here. If you want employment, go to Harvard or Northeastern.”:
BC is stuck in an awkward place, academically prestigious enough to lord over lesser Boston schools, but not quite lordly enough to summon offers of high-income job offers with a single word. Coming here means embracing this contradiction, to walk as a low-level aristo of the academic world. We don’t have the ridiculous co-op placement precision of Northeastern. We don’t have Harvard’s swagger (although we’ve tried, Lord knows we’ve tried). What we do have is a ton of great people, kickass parties, excellent pastries, and memories that will last a lifetime. If you care about all that more than finding a job… welcome to the club.

So, young Eagles, fly home to our BC nest, but take heed of these warnings. Your tour guide may conveniently forget to mention these important facts to you.

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