Nobody escapes BC without learning things. We’ve climbed the ranks of best colleges in the nation like Donkey Kong swinging up a construction site. That can’t all be a fluke, right? (Or can it #leahyconspiracy2016?) No. It’s not all a fluke. You’re walking around with some knowledge rattling around in your brain, along with all the pornography and exhaustively detailed The Office romance diagram. But that doesn’t mean you’re prepared. The BC education leaves you bare-naked ignorant in several key areas. Such as…
8.) Sleep Management 2010:
Countless studies pop up every year telling us all how essential sleep is. It recharges the mind, builds our memories, soothes the body and refreshes the spirit. Without sleep, we’d all be reduced to the drooling, slack jawed idiocy of sea slugs, or God forbid; Patriots fans.
So why do we all push ourselves beyond the limit of healthy brain activity? Why do we spend midnight after midnight fastened to a desk at Bapst? Then on our free nights we either drink and carouse into neuropathic ruin, or lie awake staring at internet photos of others doing so.
Only one thing is certain — if you can’t do it now, you’re sure as hell not going to suddenly reinvent yourself three seconds after graduation. Thanks a lot, BC.
7.) Subtext in Text Messaging 1020:
Was that sarcasm? Should I ask to go to this mod, or just know that I’m already invited? Will cutting the blue wire *really* defuse this bomb, or is my asshole spymaster just messing with me again?
All reasonable questions, all utterly impossible to decode via text message. The fastest, most efficient communication ever devised, and somewhere along the way it became a foreign language. And if you’re texting your crush, forget it. It’d be easier to decode hieroglyphics lying in a lake of molasses, while being swarmed by a nest of sexually frustrated fire ants.
This could be avoided with a simple class standardizing text language. Or just the option to use italics. C’mon Apple, we’re begging you here.
6.) Pet Ownership 1001:
Listen up, broseph/brosephina. You want to pick up ladies around campus? Ditch the Plex. Junk the Franzia. Stop trying to make yourself “interesting” or “fun.” Only one thing makes BC girls swoon themselves senseless — dogs. Stroll through campus with a puppy in hand, and you’ll hear so many coos you’ll think the international dove convention hit early. The big, trusting eyes and adorably clumsy feet of a puppy meld into cuteness so pure it feels weaponized.
Given all this pet love, it’s irresponsible that BC doesn’t give us a little training in animal care. Most of us struggle to take care of ourselves. Imagine Vanderslice and Stayer full of tiny mammals dependent on the attention and regular feeding schedule of your average junior. Then stop imagining, because the consequences would shatter your heart.
A furry funeral full of tiny doghouse coffins. See? We warned you.
5.) Common Courtesy 2002 — Doors and the Holding Thereof:
Ooooh, look at momma’s little gentleman. Holding doors open for those behind you, isn’t that nice?
Time to break the silence — this politeness craze has gone too far. Holding a door for someone is kind. Holding it open when they’re forty feet away, untangling their headphones’ latest Gordian knot, ISN’T. Instead of easing their way, you jam them in between the sharp corners of a dilemma. Speed up, sloshing through snow and muck so that your imperious mug isn’t upset? Or keep a normal pace and risk becoming the asshole, when all they want to do is get inside and recover from a 12-hour study session?
Maybe it’s too late. Maybe door-holding became so ingrained that it’s seeped into our very DNA. But someone needs to state the facts. A part-time gig as a doorstop doesn’t make you considerate; that’s like saying one APPA trip makes you a globetrotting philanthropist.
4.) Snapchat is a Den of Filthy Lies 2030:
Why do professors work so hard in futile attempts to convince you that their PowerPoints are cool? They should be unveiling the steaming bullshit behind what you’re actually watching in class.
Speaking of Snapchat, nobody actually has that much fun at parties. Nobody. Snapchats are like Facebook posts boiled down to provide even more potent highs. Your friends’ profile pic where he’s with twenty people smiling at the beach? Turns out he didn’t know half of them, and that very same day his girlfriend dumped him and a seagull shat in his suntan lotion.
Snapchat distorts reality in the same way, but a thousand times stronger. Within a five-second window, all you take in is a mass of people having more fun than you, horrible lighting and the multicolored scribbles of a pretentious 5-year old. If Facebook is caffeine — a slow-burning addiction that gradually overtakes your life- then Snapchat is crystal meth. Where’s the DARE program for that?
3.) Religion 3040 — What Jesuits Actually Do All Day:
Anyone attending this fine institution can tell you about the great Jesuit mission. Spreading education, igniting the world: in an enlightened way, not an arson way (don’t worry, we’ve made that mistake too). But not one student can say how those grand plans might unfold.
No BC mystery runs deeper than this. What do Jesuits get up to, sequestered in their gothic towers… looming over Boston like the Grinch over Whoville? Communing with angels? Staging elaborate puppet shows? Playing pinochle with old-timey celebrities like Dick van Dyke and Montgomery Gammonphlops*?
We must not rest. Every day, the Jesuits inch closer to the realization of their master plan. Sleep with both eyes open, notice what they don’t want you to see… or the vast pinochle conspiracy will devour us all.
Despite BC students’ obsession with the future, Fr. Leahy still hasn’t opened a school for peering through the veil of time. We attend lectures, lunches, liaisons and loop-de-loops to figure out what comes next. All the while we ignore the dark tendrils of fate etched in our very palms.
Father Leahy continues to push against curriculum expansion, armed with vague warnings about the weight of precognition shattering the human psyche into shards of debauched, feral anguish. These points can be addressed, but until UIS can upload a course schedule stretching through the supertemporal halls of eternity, the mysteries of time will remain beyond our reach.
Every single professional task you ever perform will be explicitly tested, retested and certified before you ever step into an office. Nowadays you need twelve years of formal education plus a bachelor’s degree just to scrub floors in a nursing home. And yet, when is comes to the task which not only creates all human life but forms a key pillar around which education, culture and technology all revolve…
Starving for sex and utterly unable to comprehend it, we stumble around, glancing out the corner of our eyes in the hope of seeing someone who knows what the hell they’re doing. So we wind up taking cues from Hollywood, where every man and woman is a stunning physical specimen who reach orgasm like synchronized swimmers in a water bed.
There’s nothing wrong with learning from experience… in fact we heartily recommend it. But it’d be a way smoother learning curve if someone was around to cut through the bullshit, and explain the yin and yang of the mystery of sex.
After all, with any luck you’ll use that knowledge way more often than calculus.
*After legal counsel, the Black Sheep admits that this is not a real celebrity… but contends that in the 30’s, that name wouldn’t have raised a Dust Bowl-weathered eyebrow.