Welcome to our portal into a freer time, brother/sister/ever-changing child of the Great Spirit. Welcome to your first steps into the Great Green Beyond, this most blessed of holidays: 4/20. Like Marathon Monday, you need to pace yourself, only this time on food. You might want to invent a contraption that allows you to chew without getting full, but that’s not possible and obviously you’ve smoked too much already. Each meal must be carefully sorted, then blended and bastardized into a vastly more entertaining version, and we’ve laid out the steps on how to do just that here at BC.
Right now your body should be craving something greasy, salty and massive. Luckily, breakfast foods cover many compatible options. Massive pancake slabs, sweet cinnamony French toast, a bagel sandwich with egg and gooey melted cheese… If you live off campus, don’t be afraid of cooking while high. As long as you’re not too dope-faced to notice the smell of burning fingers, the process becomes a balletic ceremony; each ingredient dancing in tandem with the next. If you live in a dorm, your first move while high should’ve been to leave said dorm, so do that now and head to Hillside.
Hillside is heaven for the milk and cereal stoner, but even if your culinary skill would make Gordon Ramsey puke out his own stomach, there is one element of the meal which you cannot neglect. Bacon. Without bacon, there is no true 4/20. Bacon sizzling on the pan sounds like the applause of the angels; it delights in sound, smell, sight and taste alike. Craft your strips of tasty meat with care, and savor every bite.
Creak open the doors and step out into the harshly bright world outside. Lower’s cheesesteaks can dent even the most tenacious case of munchies, but depending on how ravenous you are at this point, you should walk/run/drag yourself along to Cleveland Circle, where a number of snackiful options await your perusal. Perhaps you’d like a challenge burger at Eagle’s Deli, or a quick bucket of fried dough from Dunkin’. But if even CVS feels too hoity-toity for your utterly roasted mind, there’s always Chipotle. If there are any sober folks inside, what are they going to do? Judge you? They’re in a Chipotle, for Christ’s sake. Not being toasted shows a much bigger lapse in judgement.
You’ve suffered through the long hours of the morning and afternoon resisting the calling for (more) food. Now, it is time. You’ve earned this splurge, so go nuts. 4/20 only comes around once a year. Pick up a phone and fire away a call to your fast-food enabler of choice. It’s time for the grand debate to begin. Thai North, Wings Over, Esperia Grill… the world’s your oyster. Mmmmm, oysters… Maybe splurge for Finn’s?
Once you’ve sorted through which cuisines you “feel like,” cross-referenced all allergies and examined your total budget, you triumphantly raise the phone, only to find that it’s 12:30 a.m. on a Wednesday. At this point you have two options: ring up NHK and raise your likelihood of bowel cancer by several large increments, or just give up and get a tapas bar installed in your dorm. Once enough 4/20s go by, tapas will probably be the cheaper option anyway.
A green and glorious 4/20 to you all, fellow followers of The Dude. May your tokes be smooth and your leaf plentiful, and may that welcher Ted stop bogarting the bong for one goddamn minute. Jesus, Ted. Such an asshole.
Hey dummy, listen (AND SUBSCRIBE) to our podcast!