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Heartwarming! BC Administration Celebrates Holidays by Giving Peaceful Protesters the Gift of Discipline


As the cold wind howled and icy slush seethed around the edge of Chestnut Hill, a small Christmas miracle was born. The administrators of BC stood up, shook the years from their shoulders, and with a merry twinkle proceeded to fill out suspension forms for the ringleaders of a safe space event on campus grounds.

A campus-wide address yesterday served to clear up any lingering doubts as to the wholesome good of these gifts.

“When we say our students should set the world on fire, we do not mean it literally,” cooed assistant Dean Aaron Laybourne in a tone usually reserved for mentally handicapped chipmunks. “Nor is it metaphorical, idiomatic, dialogic, or connected to reality in any way, shape or form. You see, children, fire is dangerous… like upsetting the status quo! If you say you want to change things, they might change for the worse… then you’d all feel like silly-billies, wouldn’t you?”

“History shows us that bold progress is found in the pitch-black purity of the ink on an application form. It’s built from the iron patience developed in waiting for that application to churn through a sea of red tape, and the resilience found in having that application rejected and wearily settling back into routine,” chirped the vice-dean brightly, as he finished wrapping duct-tape around the mouth of the UGBC president. “That’s always been our motto: set the world aflame, as long as you don’t try to light up any of our nice lawns like some kind of pyromaniac.”

The rest of the administration concurred. Overwhelmingly, BC encourages a wide variety of views, ideals and perspectives — as long as they stay tightly locked in each student’s head, never to disturb a living soul.

“People don’t understand the noble mission we’ve embarked on here,” exclaimed Father Leahy in earnest. “We’re not trying to crush our students initiative. We don’t want to mold them into a perfectly homogenous, blandly smiling block of white-tinted paste that automatically reject new ideas. It’s just that… well, these protests get really fucking annoying sometimes. How about letting us get some sleep now and again? That’d be some goddamn Christmas spirit.”

At press time, the UGBC monthly update invited all students to a book burning of Fahrenheit 451 in the O’Connell house. Any use of the word “irony” will lead to expulsion from campus via a trebuchet.

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