The Only 5 Places on Earth Colder and S****ier Than Boston Right Now

author-pic at Boston College  

If you mistakenly left your alarm on for your 8 a.m. after BC waited until the last gd moment to call a snow day and cancel Tuesday classes, you aren’t alone. At 7 in the morning, however, the snow was notably nonexistent and the temperatures were tolerable. As the National Weather Service has issued three weather warnings for the day – from high wind to winter storm – it is highly likely that the mild morning is about to tailspin into chaos like a newly minted frat boy on Halloweekend. While you sit in your room and stare out the window at the miserable landscape, wondering why you didn’t just stay in Florida after spring break, take comfort in knowing that these five locations are somehow colder, snowier, and more horrendous than the 24 inches of snow and potential 70 (!!!) mph winds in Boston right now.

5.) Delyankir, Russia:
At a balmy -16º F as of 8 a.m. EST and a promist high of 2º F, Delyankir s a delightful tropical location with a vibrant community of bikini models, probably.  No one actually knows because it’s way to flip flapping cold for anyone to visit and check. In fact, this town could be made of solid gold and hold the promise of paying every single BC student’s $50,480 tuition, but it is so cold that no one could possibly bother themselves to go and check. It would take at least two Canada Goose jackets to bundle up in this frigid landscape, which is excellent if you can’t decide what color you should order, but isn’t so great if you care about displaying your opulent insulation as if at New York Fashion Week – with a population of only three inhabitants at the time of the 2010 Census, these Russian ice cube people don’t give a caribou’s rump about your thousand dollar status symbol.

4.) Whitehorse, YT, Canada:
If dipping into the negative double digits across the pond isn’t your forte, there are still plenty of opportunities to get frostbite here in North America. Whitehorse, in Yukon, Canada, has a toasty high of 11º F; compared to Delyankir, it’s so warm here that you should pack up and tan naked in the frozen tundra. After all, how else are you going to maintain your spring break bronze from the single week you spent outside of the northeast for an ASB in the south? If you were concerned about this sweltering heat feeling too close to Boston weather, you needn’t worry too much, as the low temperature promises to dip down to a forecasted low -3º F, as in “it’s so cold that by the end of this day you will have lost 3 fingers to frostbite.” Book your travel plans now, and if you’re lucky, you can use your traumatizing loss of two thumbs and a pinky as an excuse not to take a final that was scheduled for the last possible day of school

3.) Fairbanks, Alaska:
The banks may be fair in this Alaskan city, but you wouldn’t know because your eyes will be frozen shut after you sneeze while making the frigid trek from one heated indoor haven to another. Punching in at a toasty -16º F this morning, Fairbanks may technically be in the U.S. but it will feel like Delyankir, and if you’re feeling adventurous, you could attempt to walk hundreds of miles, swim the Bering Strait, and brag about seeing Sarah Palin from your house in Russia. The high today is 8º F, so if you wait patiently, you just might be able to defrost your eyelashes with your own breath. If you’ve always longed to be a climate change denier just for the thrill of getting jumped at the upcoming March for Science, you won’t have to spend long here to feel like global warming is definitely a myth.

2.) Estcourt, Maine:
Are you on a no-fly list after you tried streaking through Terminal E at Logan airport while totally sloshed on duty free tequila? Luckily for you, there are plenty of frigid attractions on this content, including Estcourt Maine, which clocked a toasty 4º F at 8 a.m. EST on Tuesday. With a promised high of 24º F today, Estcourt is hardly an isolated Russian village in the middle of nowhere, but it is accessible via Zipcar. If you have a need to feel alive after an unchecked week of extreme drunken stupor in Puerto Rico and stimulate sensation in your nether regions, this northernmost city in Maine is the perfect place to nip you in the butt, make everything hurt from the cold, and subsequently freeze your balls off in snow accumulations of 10 to 18 inches today. You’ll never feel as alive as the moment before you feel like a corpse!

1.) Dunkin’ Donuts:
The actual temperature in Dunkin’ is probably hovering around a very tolerable 72º, and the environment is typically rather amicable. However, if feeling gusts of extreme cold that make you long for the comparatively hot 32º F of the great outdoors, just try ordering your typical Starbucks beverage – a Venti, nonfat strawberry Frappucino – and a grab and go food that definitely isn’t available – say, an egg sous-vide bite – to see frost forming on the windows while you fail to recognize their easy-to-understand sizes of small, medium, large, and extra large. Not cold enough for you? Try paying with your Starbucks app and demand that they recognize your gold status. 

Drunk people say the darndest things: