Father Leahy to De-Ice BC Using Salt from Students’ Tears
Right now, as BC students anxiously await BC to probably not cancel class, Kelly Quinn is laying down a $120 sociology book behind her front tire, hoping it will earn her traction. She’s late to sociology, and very salty about it. In a few short minutes, she will be on the roads, battling to navigate through the powerful force brought upon her by a fierce ruler. Her journey to and around campus will rival that of the great pioneers traveling westward.
Lack of class cancellation and generally damp socks have students saltier than a Pretzel Time store at the bottom of the ocean. Most feel like their cold cries are not being heard, but they are. They’re being heard, and collected, and stored by Father Leahy, who plans to use all of the saltiness to de-ice BC’s campus.
What end-point drives a president to upset the student body so regularly? The reason: Finance. Leahy is keeping the university at a minimally functional level that yields great saltiness, which he then collects and uses to de-ice the campus. The plan is to save the money that otherwise would be spent on snow-salt from a supplier, saving a reported grand total of $47.
Father Leahy refuses the business of local snow removal companies, opting instead to use the free saltiness oozing out of the Internet, social media, and students themselves:
@LemanowiczFOX25 good odds on snow day for boston college? things are getting desperate in the ol’ homework department
— john (@johnnycaproni) March 13, 2017
This decision will leave many of those in the salt(ing?) industry with lower pay, like this dutiful salt miner,who now lives on only five salt cubes a day. Will Robert be there to tell his family that he is the reason for their sodium deficiency? We think not. Local companies offer their services, citing unmoved snow and un-kept walkways as a reason Leahy should take their business, so the university can get back to full function and open classes once again.
“Two things, you salt-selling rat bastards. First of all, I have not cancelled class; do not insult me with accusations of kindness. Second of all, we don’t need your business. I have enough student saltiness to turn the Great Lakes into the Tiny Oceans. I must admit, I am overjoyed, I feel like I’m floating, which would make sense given the buoyancy effect salt has on those swimming in it.”
Eventually, Father Leahy, Commander in Chief, Secretary of Salt, will release all of the stored saltiness. Walkways will be cleared, and smooth parking will cease to be mere legend. Until then, student saltiness will continue to add gentle flavor to the favorite dishes of BC’s patriarch.
Now, who needs a drinkin’ shirt?