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It’s BC Cuffing Season: Time to Lock Up Your Human Blankets for the Winter

It has come to our attention that, collectively, BC students suddenly aren’t gagging at the sight of overly PDA couples holding hands and feeding each other Mac and Cheese in the Rat. Is it the stress-induced exhaustion from midterms that have so damagingly suppressed students’ emotions to such an unimaginable extent? Or (gasp) could it be that they may actually want that?!

And so it begins – November 1st marks the official commencement of cuffing season. For those who don’t know, it’s the time of year when the temperature drops and promiscuous people, who would usually rather be single and slutty, become lonely and desperate to be cuffed for the harsh winter months that lie ahead.

Or, better known at BC, for when freshmen frantically raid the Mods hoping that “Matt” will let them in, while sophomores lurk around Walsh laundry machines, waiting to casually “bump” into that cute guy from communications class, and when juniors begin to set up tents down Undine and Foster street because nothing, not even studying abroad, will exclude from this year’s cuffing season.

However, seniors, aka SWUGs, peacefully lay in the comfort of their own bed. They can’t be bothered to make it onto this year’s cuffing roster and endure the draft picks, because they’re “so over everything” and a pair Uggs is all they really need to survive the cold weather anyway.

For those brave enough to undergo the lengthy and arduous process that is cuffing season, we hope you stay hydrated. The most committed individuals have been planning since summer and have already gained a major advantage over you late-comers, so if you want to make it through this season, cut off all distractions and find the trophy on your list, and hook him or her before it’s too late.

The Quad will soon transform into a massive mating ground for horny undergrads anxiously seeking last minute prospects for their cuffing rosters. With Halloween marking the official last day of Single season—the one day of the year where being a huge whore is actually appreciated—students are beginning to cave under the pressure of finding a worthy cuff partner and Eagle Escort has already found themselves frenziedly transporting several of them to the Health Center infirmary, marking the highest rate of BC history.

An additional side effect of this season are “Cuffing Expenses,” because every man knows the only way to keep the V is to spend. Research shows CSOM guys, especially finance majors, have founded a new economically and sound plan to save themselves the costs of having to find their “cuff” a Christmas present: waiting until the absolute last possible deadline to “cuff official”: December 26th.

So why put your health at risk to rush into a relationship you have no intention on keeping when the weather gets warmer? For the big cuddly human blanket you can insta-bone whenever you want, and for the free shit they give you during the holidays of course. It’s really a matter of convenience because when the snow hits you get lazy and there’s nothing really else to do on campus but to suck and fuck because no one’s trying to wait half an hour outside Wonder bar in a freezing blizzard storm under six feet of snow.

Some embrace it while others cower away. But don’t fool yourself no one really wants a relationship—it’s just fucking cold outside. So whether you “cuff” to get laid or to become the “main girl/boy” in that person’s life, remember it is a temporary service, and as soon as the ice melts the cuffs come off.

 

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