Perfection is tricky. Like confidence, financial security and Abercrombie models’ abs, it is something everyone obsesses over but nobody has the slightest clue how to achieve.
Except for the flawless celestial beings at The Black Sheep. Peering down upon you poor soggy fleshlings, we have decided to show mercy and unlock the vault containing the secrets of perfection: BC edition. Follow these instructions, and you’ll be as mentally and physically impeccable as the subject of your wildest hate fantasy. Guaranteed!
Wake up. Stretch, then expel all farts from body so that none accidentally escape throughout the day.
Placate roommate by offering to pay for next Hillside lunch. If the stench is too much for them to bear, find a new roommate. Don’t look back.
1st Plex/study session. Multitask by studying while you exercise. If on the treadmill/elliptical: balance book on stand. If lifting weights: read the book beforehand, record yourself reading it aloud in podcast form, then subscribe and listen to said podcast while squatting.
Shower off fresh layers of Plex stench. Breakfast is staring intently at the Instagram food account of your choice.
Classtime. Pay attention! Every second could be the second where the person next to you mentions your dream job, where you can be happy relaxed and successful for the rest of your days. To maximize the possibility of this encounter, jump into every conversation you overhear and have extended, personal conversations with the professor about your hopes and dreams after every single class. Pin them in a scissor lock if necessary, and don’t skimp on the emotion.
Painstakingly writing out resumes and application for various activities and service groups, paving the road for you to get out and show the world how special you really are.
Early mid-afternoon workout. Back to the Plex, only read twice as fast this time because you need to catch up on the reading you should have done yesterday.
Pare through rejection letters from various activities and service groups stating that you are not, in fact, special after all. Swallow sadness and repeat.
Meet for intramural practice/marching band rehearsal. In both cases, feel free to take out your frustration on the spitefully intact bones and eardrums of your classmates.
Retire to room. Catch up on social media and intermittently pay attention to your roommate’s inane, stupid drama
Update your roommates on all your crucial, nail-biting drama.
Late evening Late Night guilt workout. Stay until the Plex employees beg on bended knee for you to leave.
Essays, midterm studying, lab reports, portfolios, and other interesting flavors of wasted life energy.
Wash, rinse and repeat until you walk as a god among men.
Experts confidently claim that following this patented formula will raise you to BC royalty within 200 years, give or take. One day, medical science will advance enough to test that theory for sure. For now, just… try not to slouch so much. Remember, shame and subtle verbal abuse builds character like nothing else on the planet.
Speaking of sex, subscribe to our podcast, dummy!