Dye your hair red and your beer green, ladies and gents, because it’s time for that most Irish of all holidays… The Feast of Saint Patrick, otherwise known as The Drunken Din of Dunstable. It’s a beloved cultural icon in Boston, and not just because it lets you justify alchoholism for today. Special traditions abound, from every school in the land. Most notably…
6.) Boston College:
It’s not often BC kids get a chance to let loose and unleash havoc- just Marathon Monday, Spring Break, 4/20, Christmas, Easter, and every weekend of the year. So thank St. Patrick himself that this glorious holiday stops by, beeping the horn of the party bus with aplomb. BC’s campus transforms into a green wonderland on this day — green from the combination of vomit, discarded green t-shirts, and absinthe. This ain’t your grandpappy’s Irish heritage day, folks.
Emerson and the rest of the, ahem, schools that don’t matter — hole up with their flutes and whatever music theater school they go to and pray for the holiday to pass. Or, they try to blend in with the rest of us like they will for the rest of their lives, casually admitting to going to school in Boston but never getting more specific than that.
MIT kids, those notoriously smart lil’ tricksters, spend St. Patty’s Day dismantling firetrucks and drunkenly reassembling them atop various buildings around Boston, where tragically they will be rendered useless to the many emergencies that happen over the weekend. But it’ll be hilarious!
High atop a crystalline spire, thunder flashing in the distance, the Council of Harvard Weatherlords convenes. Every March, they raise a mighty gale and attempt to drown Boston in a sea of frost- icing over its booze and locking the spirit of Ireland inside. The naysayers claim they might yet succeed this year… but they don’t know how deep Irish blood runs. No matter how fiercely Harvard tries to chill everyone out, we will NOT be chill. Not on this day.
2.) Northeastern University:
The average Northeastern student will consume 3.17 units of alcohol at a rate of 13 ml per minute throughout the holiday. This ensures maximum enjoyment-processing efficiency and peak shamrock appreciation, while still leaving room for above-standard co-op work. If all these protocols are followed to the latter, the administration promises 37% more fun annually — fresh batteries and lubricated cogs in every student!
1.) Boston University:
Rolling out of his futon with an audible belch, Bob Uwell (a typical BU student) stretches legs by stomping through the puppy parade outside his dorm. After punching a nun for failing to get out of his way in time, Uwell staggers through the streets in a zigzagging stagger, crashing into hot dog stands and snatching booze from the hands of every poor little orphan in Charlestown.
Crashing into a nearby wedding reception, he proceeds to spew foul-smelling liquid out of every humanly orifice, before collapsing on the spot and vigorously sleep-masturbating until the next day breaks. These events are multiplied by thousands, as every BU student proceeds to let their heinous instincts run wild for a full 24 hours.
We here at The Black Sheep suggest you lay your St. Patty’s day plans somewhere far, far away. Whatever your holiday plans are… stay safe, be happy and please stay as normal as these Chicagoans last weekend during their St. Patty festivities: