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Panicked Senior Abruptly Fails All His Classes in Bid to Stay at BC

It’s a universally recognized truth that a senior having completed four years of college will wish they could start it all again. While most graduating seniors either trudge off to grad school or some soul-murdering job in downtown Boston, one BC senior is turning this wish into reality. Steve McBrandon, a Boston College class of 2017 economics major, has made national headlines this week after suddenly and epically failing all five of his classes this semester. An act that will result in him not receiving enough credits to graduate, and somehow, “start all over again, baby!”

“I was just thinking to myself, ‘Why am I sitting here, playing Xbox and sobbing into my handle of Rubi when I can just start over?’’ McBrandon said when asked about his decision. “I mean, my parents offered to pay for college as long as it took, so what’s another four or five years in the bag?” McBrandon had previously been receiving straight As in all of his courses, which included classes such as “Introduction to Pottery” and the “Joys of Zoo Keeping,” which he had planned to write a thesis on. His prime method for failing involved “missing the last three weeks of class, lighting the professor’s tie on fire, and turning in a laminated version of the Constitution instead of assignments.”

McBrandon had been right on the border with outstanding credits, barely meeting the required minimum when it came time for graduation. Now that 15 of his credits are missing, he’s going to need at least another semester of school to receive his diploma, if not more. “If I get enough before year four, I’ll just threaten Father Leahy and get kicked out or something, I don’t know. Maybe I’ll just declare a second major! That’ll waste some time!” When questioned about his parents’ opinions of his sudden failure, he replied, “Meh, I’m sure they’re fine with it.”

“This is absolutely not ok,” Megan McBrandon, Steve’s mother said when interviewed on her son’s behavior. “We meant if he wanted to go to grad school, not take undergrad again! Honestly, that boy has no sense of responsibility; does he think money just grows on trees? I have no idea where he gets it from.”

“I am so proud of my son.” Steve’s father, Mike, said over his wife’s shoulder. “I would totally do undergrad again, are you kidding?! Best years of my life. In fact, I think I peaked then…Yeah, it’s definitely all been downhill since then. Steve’s just smart enough to figure out how to make it work. He gets that from me.”

It is unclear if Boston College will even allow McBrandon to continue on as a super senior, but considering BC’s undying, crippling thirst for money, we’re sure they’ll let him stay. McBrandon has even claimed the Mod he currently lives in as “Steve’s Shack,” and is moving to permanently purchase the temporary housing and surrounding dead patch of grass from BC. “This way, it’s my house! Get it? They can’t kick me out of my own house! I’ll be at college forever!”

One can only hope that McBrandon’s strategic brilliance and passion for college pays off in the end, or at least until the Mods get inevitably torn down. For now, the class of 2021 can expect to see a much older and somehow-more-drunk classmate in their introductory courses, and his name is Steve McBrandon. Eagles forever, right?

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