Nervously poring over satellite weather reports, new EPA head Scott Pruitt announced to the nation today that climate change may, in fact, be a scientific possibility.
“For years, the data didn’t lend itself to the outcries of global warming rumormongers,” said Pruitt in a hastily arranged press conference. “Expert studies confirmed that the temperature stayed rigidly below ‘winter jacket’ levels for months on end, particularly around the December-February period. These frigid stretches took place on years that so-called scientists insisted were somehow ‘affected by rising global temperatures.’”
Pruitt has gone on record saying that CO2 emissions are “homebrewed American hyperfarts,” that we blast upwards to show the sky who’s boss.
“I mean, I’m not an idiot,” added Pruitt, rolling his eyes. “Apparently 2014 was one of the hottest years on record, but I distinctly recall that year holding Winter Olympics. Sporting events all about the winter! How, I ask, would you luge down an ice slide or merrily bobsled through the snow if the entire planet were burning to a molten crisp? Theorize that, Copernicus.”
“But now everything is turning on its heels. June is set to be so hot, they’re not even holding the Winter Olympics this year. And my social media informs me that some place called Fire Island is “blowing up.” An island made of fire is exploding? Why aren’t more people panicking over this?!”
Pruitt bemoans the years he wasted sticking his fingers in his years and going la-la-la whenever a scientist entered the room. “My whole life, I knew that science didn’t really mean anything. It was all based on information taken from the past, so how could it possibly impact the present or future?”
“Past, present and future are different words, and therefore different entities,” clarified Pruitt’s spokesperson.
But now… It’s like the past and the future converged into some hideous time-warping, fire-breathing snake beast.” shrieked Pruitt from his cowering corner. “Now global warming isn’t just threatening human existence: it’s ripping off my screenplay.”
Experts warn the public to prepare for the oncoming disaster by stocking up on water pistols and aboveground pools. Meanwhile, Pruitt was last seen frozen in horror, his eyes fixated on a relevant episode of Bill Nye Saves the World.